Motherfucker. I am so disappointed. I thought this was the last time this piece of shit show was going to air but unfortunately next week is the finale episode of Newport Harbor, not this week. This allows just one last chance for these complete fucking wastes of space to invade our lives with their meaningless jargon and Barbie clichés.
So the episode opens with Sasha and Chrissy (BFF!) pondering the meaning of life, it was the blond leading the blond as they discussed the great unknown – whether Chrissy and Clay would stay together after graduation.
How come they never said that Clay was a junior? WTF. I’ve been watching this god-forsaken show for weeks now and this is the first I’ve heard of it. Anyway, the whole cast is abuzz with graduation talk.
Allie wants to know if she will be able to go to Europe, where we last left things she was arguing about how unfair her life is because her parents don’t think she is mature enough to go off to Europe without parental supervision. They were right. But regardless, Allie and her friend that doesn’t matter to the story line were left to discuss a change in strategy.
“Try to be mature about it,” The friend that doesn’t matter to the story line said. “It’s like my dad always says, ‘You always get more’ wait. ‘You catch more flies with’ um.” “What does your dad always say?” Allie asks. “Whatever,” FTDMTTSL said. “You catch more bees with honey than you do with vinegar?” another girl who equally doesn’t matter says. “Well that’s what I plan on doing!” Allie says.
So Allie apologizes to her parents and they end up allowing her to take the trip to Europe. “You are not replaceable, Allie” her dad says. I beg to differ.
Then the show cuts to Clay-boy and his lame friends at the beach. “Look at these little chiquitas!” one of them shouts. “Let’s go talk to them. I’d rather talk to chicks than a bunch of dudes.” “Hey sweet thaaang!” They shout. No response. “Fine. Ignore me.” These girls must not have realized who these gentlemen were because they are a big deal.
Anyway, the savants then discuss Clay and Chrissy’s boyfriend status. Again one of the genius friends gives Clay some excellent advice, “If you do make a commitment it doesn’t mean you need to stick with it.” Awesome.
So Allie and her friend who doesn’t matter to the story line decide to throw a bonfire at the beach. Only juniors and seniors allowed. Sorry Taylor! But uh oh, she shows up anyway! DRAMA.
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“Ugh. I am like, totally hating my life right now,” Allie says at the sight of Taylor and all her cuteness and she makes a face like she just noticed her herpes break out has spread to her anal region. “Does she not feel awkward? OMG.”
Well thankfully they decide to let that go and have wondrous adventures on the sandy shore before they head off to graduate from high school.
Cue a photo montage of children turning into adults set to emotional music. Oh, how these kids have grown!
Everyone exchanges gifts and that is the end of that. Other than the fact that I can’t believe high school graduates can be this fucking stupid, I am overjoyed that this show is nearing completion. Next week will be the end.