The "Real" Housewives of Orange County

Well, this week the housewives were pretty fucking boring. I mean, way more boring than usual. I know it's hard to be more pointless than they already are, but somehow they managed.

I really wonder what these women think when they get out of bed in the morning. Do they think their lives are somehow more important or relevant than others' simply because they are on television? It certainly seems that way, at least for some of them. Take Tamra for example. She is one shit-talking, self-obsessed, holier-than-thou beeotch if I have ever seen one.

Watching her is like watching myself in high school. Just look at her, walking around thinking she is such hot shit, making fun of the other housewives behind their backs, then hugging them and smiling to their faces. It is really disturbing, especially since she is 40 years old.

Just look at her behavior at the plastic surgery party this week. Yes, I said plastic surgery party. Seriously. Anyway, she was hanging out with Tammy, the only housewife I like because she is the least of the drama queens, and decides to see what other procedures the plastic surgeon-on-call thinks she might need. See, one of Tamra's biggest goals is “to look as hot as she can” because she is “the hottest housewife in Orange County.”

The doctor advises Tamra to get a brow lift because her eyes look tired, but she settles for more Botox instead.

“Maybe now I could find a 25-year-old like Quinn,” Tamra says in her bitchiest voice. Then Quinn walks in and Tamra hugs her like she wasn't just talking shit and they are the best of friends.

Then she goes on to poke fun at Jeana. “She’s 62, isn’t she?” Fucking bitch-face Tamra. Jeana is going through a divorce and she isn't even there to defend herself! Leave her alone!

Sweet redemption comes when the doctor sees Quinn and doesn’t recommend any surgery for her. Quinn believes that this is because she looks so young. Riiiight. . .but in yo face Tamra!

See, Tamra is on the five-year program. “Every five years tweak I something,” she gloats. Try tweaking your maturity level. You aren't in high school anymore. Grow up. It will be a whole lot cheaper than those bags of silicone you've had implanted in your chest.

After her consultation with the surgeon, Quinn is feeling pretty good about herself and decides to go on a lunch date with her golf pro, Billy. They go to a fondue restaurant and Billy orders a plate of wild, gamy meat to dip into the hot oil.

Quinn notices this and decides to make a saucy comment on the order. “I could do the wild thing and go wild all night long if you wanted to,” she says—in front of the waitress. Awkward.

Quinn decides to break the uncomfortable silence she has just caused by asking Billy if he will be her boyfriend. He declines to answer. It is pretty bad. Jesus? Can you help your friend out please?

The rest of the episode consists of Lauri getting nipple tassels for her bridal shower, Vicki giving her new assistant a makeover (which turns out great, by the way) and Jeana complaining about how Vicki is the most difficult client she has ever had.

How many more episodes until one of them kills herself? No one knows? All right. I'll wait.


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