The "Real" Housewives of Orange County

So I got back from a brief vacation last week with two episodes of "The Real Housewives of Orange County" saved on my DVR.

I knew I had to sit through the darned things to review the show, but I also knew I didn't really have to watch them to understand how ridiculously stupid and pointless the thing was going to be.

Yes, call it a hunch, but I could somehow sense that watching a show about five women with more money than they deserve and so much plastic surgery that they resemble Rob Schneider would be a complete waste of time. This is why YOU probably won't be watching it and that's where I come in.

I plopping myself down in front of this piece of shit show so that you don't have to! So sit back and get ready to be wowed by this special two-episodes-in-one-blog post review.

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The show - if you don't already know - revolves around the lives of a handful of "real housewives" who are, ironically enough, mostly composed of plastic and other parts used in the making of the space shuttle. Four of them are roll-overs from previous seasons that I never bothered to watch, and one, Tamra, is new. . .

Tamra claims that she is the "hottest housewife in Orange County." She swears there is nothing better in life than having blond hair and tan skin. "Tanning is probably not good for my skin at this age [ahem 40], but I just like looking good." That was deep, Tamra. Way to promote cancer. And guess what? Her husband is a salesman for Mercedes Benz. Holy shit. Oh no, you didn't tap that, bitch! But yes, you did. You did.

Tamra has four kids. One of them is from a previous marriage with a guy who doesn't sell things made by Mercedes Benz. (Boo! Hiss! Teh suxxorz!) Anyway, her new husband, Simon, doesn't like the kid from the previous marriage, Ryan. But guess what? Now this "non-son" has to move back into his house! Holy cow, this could break up the marriage! We'll have to tune in and see what happens.

Then we have the old boring ladies. Sigh.

Lauri is one of the blondes. She has super-obvious cheek and breast implants and just got married. Both episodes consist of her planning the wedding. Boring. Next!

Jaena is a brunette ex-Playboy bunny who finds comfort in food and has a real douchebag of a husband. She spends most of her time talking about her children. Especially how her youngest son, Colton, is a jerk off.

“My mom makes me want to kill myself,” Colton says lovingly of the woman who gave birth to him. Then he goes and breaks his parents' golf cart so that he can drive it around when they told him not to. Such a respectful young man.

Vicki, yet another blonde, has some serious control issues and has just purchased a second home in Coto de Caza that is -gasp- smaller than the one she lives in now. To save money. This upsets her because she feels like she is "downsizing." Most of her time is consumed with spending her husband's money and talking about making her new house look European. Her children are clearly annoyed by her every move and so am I.

In one scene, Vicki's husband Donn and she are going on a date. She is trying to control his driving by using the full proof method of nagging.

“I like to drive because I'm in control. That’s funny isn't it?” she says. “What's funny? That you’re a pain in the ass?” I love Donn.

Then we have Tammy, the brunette whose ex-husband just died and left their children with nothing. She seems to be the least annoying of the bunch, which is good. But her two daughters, Lindsey and Megan, are another story entirely.

Surprisingly, the show's real entertainment value doesn't come from the ladies but from their fucked up offspring. Especially the girls. . .wowza, are they ever pieces of work. Three of the girls are in a group called the OC Angels, designed to promote this energy drink, OC Energy, that was started by Tammy's dead ex-husband.

One of the girls, Christen, crashed the OC Energy Hummer driving to Vegas. And this seems totally logical and normal for the other spoiled bitches to understand.

“You always have to crash a car one time to break it in,” Lindsey says. “I’ve never crashed my car. Well not my new car. I crashed my mom’s car but…”

So the new company owners say that the girls have to do a Hummer training session on a course compiled out of orange cones and cardboard cut outs of people before they can drive the over-sized beastmobile again.

Ashley, Lauri's daughter, goes first. She only hits one cone and taps a cardboard person. It is commendable. Lindsey goes next and tries really hard. Too bad she hits 21 cones and runs over two cardboard people. Christen, the one who crashed the Hummer in the first place, doesn't try at all and tells the instructor that she will quit if they take the Hummer away. She hits 30 cones.

“My boss who passed away bought this Hummer for me so it pisses me off that [the new owners] can just come and take it away," Christen says. "It just pisses me off you know?” Yes. I know. It must be really hard to not have to work for a living and be given Hummers for free that you don't get in trouble for crashing.

Later, all the girls, including some that are just turning 18, all primp up and head off to a party at the Playboy mansion.

Spoiled, fake, bleached and stupid. They are going to make someone very happy someday.

Tune in later this week for a review of episode three.

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