Welp, the OCeeker just scared the Shirley MacLaine out of a psychic.
He took his seekin' ass down to A Natural Healing Center of Orange County in Costa Mesa, to hop into a meditation circle for some energy healing.
Looks like the queens of the New Age down there may need some healing they ownselves.
March 23, 7 p.m.
Located in an upstairs office in an industrial complex at
, the smell of sage wafted through the halls as soft New Age music could be heard upon entrance to the meditation circle. The cozy little room was lit dimly by an orange lamp in the corner.
There was a couch against one wall, and a bed (yes, a bed) pushed against another. A couple of blankets draped the furniture, and a small fountain in one corner dribbled about. The dying day shared its last rays of light through two stained glass windows.
The OCeeker was greeted warmly by three women (hey now!): Jessica, Mary Ann (good-lookin' out boo, give ol' boy a call sometime!) and Kelly. Taking a chair in the circle, the OCeeker let the gals regale him with tales of meditation.
They explained that they also do Reiki therapy, where one lays down and allows a practitioner to place hands on them, or else hover their hands over them and pull negative energy out of the body and spirit, replacing it with energy that heals physically and spiritually. The practice was developed in the early 1920s by a Japanese Buddhist named Makao Usui. Mekhi Phifer to you too, bro.
"It's all about whatever you believe," they said, noting that one could believe the healing was from God, the universe or R. Scott Moxley. Kidding. They didn't mention Moxley.
Jessica said her abilities, which include the psychic kind, come from prayer and God. Before the meditation, we were joined by a guy named Chris, and a man and woman whose names the OCeeker forgets. (Need to get the memory Reiki-fied!) The woman mentioned that the OCeeker's hands were nice and warm. That's what she said, heh. Anyway, everyone there was friendly. They even made small talk about Costa Rica, which reminded the OCeeker that he's the only white guy in America who hasn't visited there.
Roots is deep
Jessica told us to relax our bodies as we prepared for meditation. We closed our eyes and breathed deeply. She also said we shouldn't panic if we felt like we were floating. The meditation began with a "grounding", where we were instructed to imagine the roots of a tree wrapping around our legs and holding us to the ground.
For several minutes, the OCeeker couldn't get The Roots'"The Seed (2.0)" out of his pomade-enhanced head:
"I push my seed in her bush for life. It's gonna work because I'm pushin' it right. If Mary dropped my baby girl tonight, I would name her Rock'N'Roll."
The OCeeker didn't meditate on much, but he did pray his tummy wouldn't rumble. Dadgum Mexican food. We released our negative energy (or gas) back into the tree roots and down into the earth. Then, with the fountain gently dancing and the music whispering, we let the "crystal energy" flow through us from the tops of our heads.
Aaaaaaaaaand out came the beds. It was Reiki time, so they pulled the bed from the corner, and unfolded a massage table. The OCeeker quickly hit the couch to see what exactly was gonna get pulled out of people. If they could pull out the bitter sentimentality and leave in the assholic charm, he might be down.
Anonyguy hopped on the bed, tended by Jessica. Kelly hit the massage table, where Mary Ann got ready to Reiki. With Kelly and Anonyguy lying down, Mary Ann and Jessica got busy with the healing, slowly waving their hands over the prone bodies. Think of a bum heating his hands over a 50-gallon drum of trash on fire, and add in an occasional wave to send a stinky one away, and you pretty much have the hand jive down.
They walked around the tables for about 20 minutes. Anonyguy had some negative energy pulled from around his right knee. Kelly giggled a bit. They each stood up, looking relaxed and filled with new Chakra juice.
I'm OK, you're not OK
The OCeeker was encouraged to go next. Great day in China, he hit the bed. Anonywoman took the massage table.
Now, the OCeeker is by no means a serious man, but he knows when to mind his manners. So, despite getting the Lucero (the Tennessee band, not the chica) song "Little Silver Heart" stuck in his head, he steeled himself for the Reiki, and readied his eyes for some peekies.
Jessica stood next to the bed. She took her time. Peeking once, the OCeeker spotted her moving behind him, and with his lusty brown eyes closed, he could sense her hand over them. Then he got the theme song to "Alice" stuck in his head.
At one point, Jessica asked the OCeeker if he "felt that." Welp, if he's in bed and a woman does something worth feeling, he's a'gonna feel it.
Jessica: "You OK?"
She pushed the OCeeker's feet together in an upright position, likely doing some Reiki move on him that he had seen her do to Anonyguy. With a crick in the neck already set in, the OCeeker had to subtly maneuver his feet back into a comfy position as Jessica continued pulling the negatories out of him.
Then shit got crazy.
Jessica pressed the OCeeker's forehead. He opened his eyes, and she was standing to his right, staring at him, with a clear look of concern. Still lying on his back, she asked the OCeeker how he felt. The room was quiet, darker with the evening settled upon us.
OCeeker: "OK. What do you think?"
Jessica: "Did you feeling something around this part of your head?" (Motioning to the right side of the OCeeker's skull.)
OCeeker: "Hm. No."
She explained that she felt some energy there, and suggested it may be because of headaches due to stress, that the OCeeker has been thinking on shit. Headache, thy name is Woman.
Jessica moved to the other side of the bed, the OCeeker still lying prone in the hushed little room. Anonywoman had already stood up from the massage table, having received a diagnosis that she was hard to read that night. Jessica stared at the OCeeker again.
Jessica: "That gave me the heeby-jeebies." She rubbed her arms. "You...are a smart man. But you're looking for an answer."
Jessica: "I saw a figure around here." She motioned to the OCeeker's Insanity abs, but was unable to describe the figure -- if it was male, female, angel, demon, Gustavo, whatever.
As the OCeeker sat up, Chris asked what Jessica had been doing around his head. She had been pulling the bad energy out, but it had not gone well.
Jessica: "I started sweating."
OCeeker: "Was it difficult?"
Jessica: "I was going to get the white crystal, but then I just prayed, "God, help me.'"
Every lady says that when they got the OCeeker in the sack.
Jessica: "Something started to pinch my shoulders."
She explained that the pinching had only happened once before, when a woman's dead mother had come to a Reiki session to protect her daughter. Jessica then pulled her outer garment back and asked Kelly to look for marks. She seemed shaken by whatever it was that happened, but not so much that she would not continue to Reikify people. Confident, she relaxed after the OCeeker asked if it was the pomade that caused the problem around his head. Of course, he knew that being in bed and surrounded by women, his macho had worked its mojo, and left a lady bedazzled. Ain't no Reiki gonna shake such swag.
The group said the OCeeker looked lighter. He stood on his feet and said he had to catch the Lakers game. And just as he had ambled into the healing center, the OCeeker ambled on out the door.
He gave the meeting a B for "beds don't lie, the OCeeker leaves 'em tremblin' again."
A Natural Healing Center of Orange County meets every Friday at 7 p.m. at 2991 Grace Ln., Ste. 2-D, Costa Mesa, (714) 549-4435; www.ochealing.com.