The Inspector

Illustration by Bob AulWe've lived in the same apartment complex for years and always got along well with the management. Now you get installed as the property manager, and suddenly there's a regimen of inspections—inspect each apartment, inspect the garages, inspect the apartments again! What are we, tenants or Iraq? You're always so absolutely chock-full of shit about the reasons, too. We noticed that in the "plumbing inspection" you did a few months ago, no one in your entourage even took a glance at the plumbing or turned on a faucet. There were "mold" inspections during which no one looked where mold tends to grow. Are you looking for real-estate brochures that might suggest we're trying to escape? Building a shit file on each tenant to use when you negotiate lease renewals? Maybe you like to check on what we're all reading to make sure subversive ideas aren't being hatched on your beautiful property? Maybe you're just a nosy weenie? How about some goddamn privacy? How about some respect? How about you stop inviting yourself to come in several times a year? Many of the other longtime residents have moved out recently, and we may be following them. But I wonder, as you show prospective tenants the lovely model apartment and the swimming pools and landscaping, do you tell them you'll be dropping in four times a year to check on things? We lock our doors to keep intruders out, but what's the use? So far the only intruder is one with a key.

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