The $500,000 Shitbox

Illustration by Bob AulTen minutes a day is all it would take. Aren't we worth it to you? Can't you see the look on our faces? Obviously not because you are too fucking lazy, too fucking irresponsible, too fucking concerned with YOU to give a shit about us.

You constantly brag to all about your so-called $500K condo—how great it is, how it's one of a kind, how you could sell it and make so much money.

But really, it's not even yours! It's ours! All ours! We shit here! We shit there! We shit everywhere! The stink is so horrific that it overwhelms the horrible stench coming off our unwashed bodies. What the fuck? We stink, your condo stinks—our neighbors can smell it through the doors. Do you realize they make comments every time they pass by?

What are we supposed to do? Shit and piss on a tiny diaper rolled out in the corner of the kitchen? Hell, we're not cats! It's a whole lot easier to drop a steamy load in the living room (and—hey!—as we write this, there are two piles in each corner!). What really astounds us is that you don't even give a shit. I know we're just dogs, but even we think this is pretty sick. What's the deal?

Hey selfish, irresponsible, so-called I've-got-it-all-together guy: IT ONLY TAKES 10 MINUTES A DAY! Come let us out!

Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations—changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent—to "Hey, You!" c/oOC Weekly, P.O. Box 10788, Costa Mesa, CA 92627-0247, or e-mail us at

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