The 10 Most Stereotypical Ways to Die in Orange County
Getting killed by cops? Read the list...
Illustration by Lalo Alcaraz
Every once in a while, our sister papers do listicles so brilliant that other papers lovingly rip off the idea. Such is the case with this listicle--at first seemingly callous, but actually a great indictment of the provincial lunacy of whatever city is publishing the list. Because the stereotypical ways to die in OC is going to be different from, say, Miami or Houston. So, without further ado, get those angry comments ready because heeeeeeeeere we go! In no particular order, but nevertheless numbered...
10. At Leisure World
Gotta love it!
There's a reason everyone calls it Seizure World, you know?
9. Mauled by a Mountain Lion
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One of the 10 greatest stories to ever appear in the Weekly was our take on the tragic mauling and killing of two OC bikers by a mountain lion. And although mountain lions usually leave folks alone, the spectre of their menace leads us to think that such maulings are much more common than they actually are. It's like that episode of The Simpsons with the Bear Patrol!
8. Serial and Spree Killers
Courtesy OC DA's office
From William Bonnin (aka "The Freeway Killer") to Randy Kraft (another "Freeway Killer") to Richard Ramirez, Itzcoatl Ocampo, and the two creeps accused of killing prostitutes, OC has unfortunately attracted an inordinate amount of known serial killers--and the list doesn't include Nightstalker Richard Ramirez, who didn't actually murder anyone in Orange County (the man who he shot three times in the head in Mission Viejo survived). Throw in Scott Dekraii and Cal State Fullerton Library killer Edward Charles Allaway, and we should all be packing heat, you know? 7. "Mysterious Circumstances"
Caspers: How exactly did he die?
You know you live in a fucked-up county when a county supervisor like Ronald Caspers can go on a yacht trip and just disappear. But given the many unsavory people who do business here, a disappeared person is really just old hat. Throw in the unsolved murder of Avila's El Ranchito scion (and reputed drug kingpin) Joey Avila, and a bunch of cholo murders where suspects refuse to speak, and OC's unsolved murder cases starts to rival that of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.
6. Plastic Surgery
Given the astounding number of plastic surgery practiced in OC, it's incredible that more death under the scalpel don't happen. Yet we always report on stories on doctors getting their medical licenses suspended or dinged for bad procedures. Hmm...
5. Waiting for OC to Get an NFL/NBA Team
Ever since the Los Angeles Rams left, which was right about the time the then-Anaheim Arena, now Honda Center opened, Anaheim officials have been trying to court an NFL and NBA team. In the past couple of years, Irvine and Tustin have also made overtures to pro football squads. The truth is, of course, is that we're Irwindale to the NFL and NBA: useful pawns to make LA teams fork over even more public funds for stadiums.
Tony Rack don't like crack...and other drugs
Joshua Suddock/OC Register pool photo
This is the one getting a lot of attention by OC right now, especially after OC DA Tony Rackaukas sued opioid makers, alleging they knowingly upped dosages to get people hooked
3. Getting Run Over by a Car
2. Killed by a Drunk Driver
Mugshots of Andrew Gallo, drunken killer of Angels pitcher Nick Adenhart
Although DUI rates for OC are actually around norm, I'm including this one because it's the most maddening type of death on this list because it's the most preventable. DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE, IDIOTS. Sad...
And yet they keep getting free...
Awesome editorial cartoon by Bob Aul
It doesn't matter if you're an unarmed homeless white guy, a skinny teenage white girl with a butter knife, an unarmed black man, or any number of armed and unarmed cholos and ex-cholos: Cops across OC LOVE to kill folks, especially because they know they'll get off scot-free. They have shown the country that OC law enforcement really is color-blind: whatever your ethnicity or class, you JUST MIGHT get offed by them for no good reason. Yay, OC justice!
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