The Dow Jones Industrial suffered a 7 percent loss Monday as panicked investors, nervous about the U.S. economy, sold off in bunches. While some see this as a sign of hard times ahead, we believe the market has rarely looked better for bargain hunters. Irony, once beyond the reach of the individual investor, has plummeted in price as buyers bid up maudlin sentimentality and cheap patriotism. We're telling our clients to buy if they can hold irony for the long term. Some attractive buys, due for rapid growth, are obvious—blue-chip defense contractors and flag and candle manufacturers. But savvy players may also consider a wartime portfolio that not only includes domestic security and covert surveillance but also blind rage, subtle racism and the phrases "I'm all for free speech, but . . ." "I'm not a racist, but . . ." and "I say we just pave over." All figure to be in for a period of major growth, as will be references to sleeping giants, normalcy, how last week's events reminded people of Pearl Harbor, and how last week's events were nothing like Pearl Harbor. Hatemongering, always a safe bet, figures to get a big shot in the arm, as will assholes in pickup trucks and religious zealots invoking a vengeful god. In related fields, we've already seen a surge in the convenient excuses to beat up nonwhites market, with especially heavy growth in Arizona and Texas. But if you're still nervous about domestic markets, you might consider globalizing your portfolio. On the Mideast markets, we strongly recommend a quick buy on lead blankets and sunscreen (SPF 12,000 and above), though you can't go wrong investing in the hottest Mideast stock of the moment: rubble.
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