The dildo had corkscrew-like ridges (for her pleasure), but the twisting of it was so awkward, and those lovely ridges (for her pleasure)were being wasted like all that food left on your plate. There are children starving in China, you know!
Well, the geniuses at Phallix saw the problem —wasted ridges, not world hunger—and they solved it. A crank! Like a juicer! And now you can feel what it's like to get a Tijuana basket job without Tijuana or the basket!
Brilliant, Phallix dudes!
It's that kind of can-do thinking we salute here at the Weekly, and there's no one can-do-thinkier than our pals at Condom Revolution. Clocking more than 10 years in OC, ConRev has been bringing you (and us) the finest in sexy jellies and sexy creams and sexy condoms and sexy cockrings and sexy vibrators and sexy Pyrex dildos (with cranks!) and sexy books/videos/DVDs and sexy gift cards and sexy molds of Jenna Jameson's sexy puss, which you can, if so inclined, sex. Also, they've got some frankly appalling items. We'll get to those anon.
When ConRev set up a show and tell of hot new items for the Weekly staff, we tried to act unfazed, cosmopolitan . . . jaded, even. But when they whipped out stuff like the Televibe—with which you can control your partner's orgasm over a phone or computer line—we were shocked into silence; words weren't good enough any more. And when they whipped out the Remote-Control 3-Speed Sapphire Thong, with which you can give an orgasm to your secretary from a distance of 20 feet, we were flat-out awed. Why can't we be a secretary?
ConRev has all the classics—like ben-wa balls (we wanted to know how you keep them from getting lost)—but it also has uptothefreakin'minute tech toys like the Video Voyeur, a wand that is "insertable for internal video action" for those who want to get a good look at the fetus they're carrying . . . or for those on a recon mission for lost ben-wa balls.
The stores (located in Huntington Beach, San Clemente and Costa Mesa) may be best known for their Love in a Bucket (romantic, with pretty candle holders and incense and bubble-bath sweetness), Sex in a Bucket (less romantic) and now, the long-awaited Quickie in a Bucket, which features things you didn't know you needed: mango-scented pleasure wipes, little his 'n' hers G-strings, a feather tickley thing, and a (not romantic at all) "Cum Towel" ("This has saved a lot of socks," said the rep) that made us laugh out loud. You didn't know you needed one, but now don't you think you do? Capitalism, creating a need and then filling it, full and hard.
With a table full of sexy solutions, the ConRev rep offered evaluations. Kama Sutra, he said, is "a company that really does things right." The leading toy distributor, Doc Johnson, he said, has good packaging and is "very evolved."
Another toy was evaluated as not top-of-the-line in quality, but still very popular.
The I-Vibe Rabbit, with clit-stimulatin' prongs that somehow reminded us of the thing in Seven? Can't keep it in the store. And what are those pearls in the shaft for? "They undulate." No!
At the end of our presentation, the rep pulled out a box. "I absolutely was not going to show you this," he said, before unveiling Hustler's "Pop Her Virgin Cherry."
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We were repulsed. We were enthralled. We opened that box (heh!) and pulled out the pert, synthetic skinned vulva. "May I?" we asked. "Feel free!" said our guide. And so we gingerly inserted a painted nail into the teeny little hole. How a penis could fit in there, we've no idea; it was very snug. At the end of our finger, we could feel a hymen, bubble-gum thin, but when we relinquished it to the next tester, she said the hymen was gone. The hymens we've known and loved were considerably tougher—more like a steel-enforced bank vault, really, or a well-done steak—but luckily Hustler's "Pop Her Virgin Cherry" comes with a small bottle of liquid-new-hymen. For that kind of money, you can pop her virgin cherry again and again! Even better than the real thing, baby. Even better than the real thing.
1799 Newport Blvd., Bldg. A102, Costa Mesa, (949) 646-1967; also 17855 Beach Blvd., Huntington Beach, (714) 843-6911; 401 S. El Camino Real, Ste. D, San Clemente, (949) 366-9977.