Denver update: Recent evidence suggests that native Coloradans (circa A.D. 1150) were cannibals, a shocking revelation given the loving ways of the state's present residents. After all, Colorado is the state that offered comfort after the Columbine High School massacre by hosting a National Rifle Association convention a few weeks after the shooting stopped. And wasn't it frat brothers at Colorado State that helped a nation smile in the wake of Matthew Shepard's murder with their heartfelt homecoming float depicting a scarecrow tied to a fence with the simple, homespun message, "Kill Fags"? And wasn't it in Boulder—home of the University of Colorado and the wackiest bunch of homicide detectives ever to contaminate a murder scene—that residents taught us all about tough love by turning down a request by Habitat for Humanity to build low-cost housing for needy families, mindful that when it comes to the poor, sometimes what's best isn't a hand but the finger?

Oakland update: Jerry Brown is the mayor of Oakland. On the negative side, Raiders owner Al Davis is insane and dresses like a guy trying to pass himself off as Bob Guccione on a Saturday night at the Red Lobster.

Denver: Coloradans are willing to help those who really need it. Take the case of Neil Bush, George W.'s younger brother and the former director of Denver's Silverado Banking, Savings & Loan Association. The bank went bust—at a cost to taxpayers of $1 billion—but the S&L's board gave Neil a $100,000 "loan" and told him he'd never have to repay it. That's just a Coloradan's way of saying, "Hey, we think you're special"—which is something they say a lot when they're not saying, "Kill fags" and, "Please pass the moo goo gai who lives down the street. I'm starving."

Consensus: Colorado state motto: "Have you seen Colorado's only liberal?" "Yes, he was delicious." Jerry Brown is the mayor of Oakland.

Go Raiders!

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