Robert Schuller to Atheists: God Is With You!

I would like to say a few words about God. It's too bad God is such an asshole. Lots of good stuff could get done if God would stop playing God. If you don't think God is real, take a look at what people will do in the name of God. Our country has been attacked by terrorists who say they are working for a God named "Allah," who is the meanest prick who has ever come across us. This "Allah" God thinks he is the God of all Gods and anyone who believes in any of the other Gods really believes in "Satan." "Satan" is supposed to be a really bad dude and those who believe in him will be punished by all of the Gods. (Our God might forgive you because "Satan" also goes by the name "Lucifer" and, as the Bible tells us, this "Lucifer" is the renegade son of God.) I've seen a lot of my colleagues—bishops, right-reverends, ministers and cardinals—on the TV, and they all pretty much agree that our God can kick the crap out of any other God, and we can all heave a collective sigh of relief for that.

But I'm not breathing any easier. I think God is a dick not to be trifled with. After all the worship, praise and cash that has been thrown at God, you would think everything would be keen for the next couple of thousand years. But things just seem to be getting worse, and I completely blame God. If it's part of our God's plan to allow their God to kill thousands of our people, then our God is on the wrong goddamn team. I think their God has our God on the ropes, and I pray to God that our God can get it together and send their God straight to hell to be with the son of our God.

The thing to remember about God is that we are created in his image. So God is an egotistical, lying, cheating, thieving, self-absorbed, alcoholic, child-molesting, deformed, homosexual, standup comedian, transient crack whore, contemporary performance artist and completely Godless.

God willing, we'll all be around long enough to find out the truth about God. Until then, remember: God is with you. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

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