Ripping Apart Phone Books

Boy, we sure are getting fat, aren't we? Looking at pictures of ourselves from a few years ago, after that relationship dissolved and we started going to the gym a lot in an effort to sweat away the heartache, we looked pretty good. Sure, Atkins turned out to be a heart disease-inducing crock of a fad diet, but let's be honest—for the short term, we dropped a lot of weight and ate a lot of cheese doing it. Now, what with the economy, and the war, and that upcoming election that no one seems too inspired about, we've just gone to pot. I mean, we've really just let ourselves go. Americans are continuing to shove all the fast food, dairy products and candy we can find down our throats and frankly, we're getting so unattractive that no one wants to have sex with us anymore. Don't you miss having sex? It was fun, remember? Not to mention the chronic back aches, chest pain and sweat stains we're suffering with now. What we really need is someone to whip us back into shape, someone to shake us by the shoulders and scream, "Get fit, you lazy bastards!"

Well, that's where the professionals at the Brea Fitness Center come in. They'll take the flabby lump of dough we've become and knead it into taut, sinewy muscle. They'll pound that weak and clogged heart into submission and then build it back up again, stronger than ever before. In a year, if we stick to the program their trainers help us develop to minimize our time at the gym and maximize our results, we will be able to wake up, look at ourselves in the mirror and not cry pudgy tears all the way to the office like we do now. Best of all, we won't need to look around sheepishly at all the muscle men around us as we lift our ten-pound dumbells. It's at the Brea Community Center, not Muscle Beach. The trainers are down to earth and serious about your health. Make an appointment to make a change. Do it for America. We could all stand to have a bit more sex.

Personal Training at the Brea Fitness Center, 695 E. Madison Way, Brea, (714) 990-7170; . Daily, call to make an appointment and for cost.


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