Reg-O-Meter© -- Week Ending May 10

TUESDAY, MAY 6 ●A click-up of the Reggie’s website today, and what do we see? Pretty much the most-commented-on headline in Reggie history: MAN SHOOTS DAD IN BUTT. Well, it certainly grabbed our attention. Surprisingly, not one of the Reggie’s citizen pundits were offended, though it did annoy one wag, who asked: “Did the Register lay off the headline department? It sounds like the punch line from a 7-year-old’s joke.” Ahhh, fuck that—the Reg-O-Meter loved the headline, as it captured the basic essence of what the story was about, enticing readers to actually, you know, read it. Unfortunately, two days later, when the Reggie published a print version of the story, the paper’s editors totally lost their balls, as the headline was changed to the far-less-controversial MAN IS ACCIDENTALLY SHOT AT SMOKE SHOP. Reggie eds, you're a bunch of asses.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 7 ●What kind of idiot would be offended by the word “gringo” when it’s used to describe hot sauce? A Gordon Dillow fan, of course.

●Now that the Reggie’s pathetic, embarrassing cat contest is over, the paper has moved on to exploiting other defenseless animals for cheap publicity. This time, it’s a horse that’s involved, a two-year-old filly cursed with the unfortunate name of Register To Win (that moniker alone has us Googling up the number for the closest SPCA office). As described in today’s Sports pages, the winner of this latest contest will become the third partner in Register To Win, joining owners Robert Allred and Reggie sports columnist Jeff Miller in an attempt to earn some $25,000 worth of prize money this racing season at Los Alamitos, which the Reggie will then donate to charities the paper sponsors. We’re not sure what exactly the prize is for the winner, other than the chance to say they own a horse—the contest is only open to Reggie subscribers (they still have some?) who are members of The Insider, their special-folks club which also hawks chintzy Reggie logo keychains, commuter mugs, and other crap. But we also couldn’t help wondering what if the same, sad fate that befell Derby runner-up Eight Belles happens to Register To Win? A horse named after the Reggie, having to be put to death so it won’t have to suffer anymore? We’re already going batshit crazy with the metaphors . . .

FRIDAY, MAY 9 ●We just looooove the house ads in today’s local section that depict a couple of grinning guys with pictures of flashy cars and sweet cribs hovering in thought bubbles over their heads. “Dreaming of a new home?” and “Dreaming about some new wheels?” reads the accompanying text. Why, sure, Reggie! Please explain to me how I can fulfill my fantasy of buying a new house and a new car! “Make money as a Register Independent Carrier!” the copy blurbs. (Little secret: That’s what they used to call paperboys.) Wonder if all those editorial associates who were recently cut loose from the Reg were offered these positions as part of their going-away packages.

SATURDAY, MAY 10 ●We've scrawled about those dumb-ass, pandering insta-polls that Reggie columnist Martin Wisckol runs before, back on March 29. But apparently ol’ Marty still hasn’t gotten the message, evidenced by Monday’s “Buzz” column, which we hadn’t got around to reading till today. On Monday, Wisckol announced the results of the poll that asked if Rev. Jeremiah Wright should have apologized. “Three out of four ‘conservative Christians’ said Wright should have apologized,” Wisckol reported, “but three out of four self-described ‘progressive Christians’ said he should not have apologized, and nearly half that group said they agreed with Wright’s comments.” Once again, Wisckol doesn’t bother citing the numbers of people who actually voted, but thankfully those figures are readily available on the poll site itself. So today, five days after Wisckol’s column runs---which also means five days have passed where people could click up more votes than the totals Wisckol bases his column on---we find that a whopping 21 “conservative Christians” and an astounding 23 “progressive Christians” participated in this earth-shaking poll. Well, at least the poll gives Wisckol something to do besides play Scrabulous at his desk all day.

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