Minnesota update: The Vikings, riding a nine-game winning streak with a backup quarterback, are the NFL's most surprising team. Also surprising is that Minnesota is home to two high-profile people accused of sexually harassing women: Senator Al Franken and radio star—if that's still a thing—Garrison Keillor. Franken is surprising given his pro-woman stances—because, in America, being anti-woman is definitely still a thing—while Keillor, whose speech and humor is best described as glacial, looks like a guy your grandpa, who is most impressed that your smartphone has a calculator, finds uncool.
Carolina update: Just as surprising and gross is that TV journalist and North Carolina native Charlie Rose was fired for unwanted behavior around women, which included being naked in their presence and groping their genital areas—the latter offense having spurred an exploratory presidential committee. When I say that Rose, he of the bloodhound countenance, is a surprising member of this ever-growing list of harassers, molesters, assaulters and Harvey Weinsteins—a triple threat!—I mean it's surprising to everyone except every woman, alive or dead, ever. See, it isn't that life quickly teaches women that all men are capable of such behavior; it's that life lets them absolutely know that they are. My entire life has been spent in the company of boys and men, who are really just boys with less hair and more prostate issues, and I can tell you that though they may seem to be gross and disgusting pigs, it's so much worse than you can imagine. I need a shower.
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Consensus: As this is being written, Donald Trump has fully endorsed Roy Moore in his Alabama Senate campaign, the same Moore accused by multiple women of unwanted sexual advances and touching, including one who said this happened when she was 14. This means Moore could soon be welcome in the U.S. Senate but not in many Alabama shopping malls. Trump has been accused of sexual harassment by many women, charges he has denied by saying, "I better use some Tic Tacs in case I start kissing her." Adding, "I don't even wait. And when you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab 'em by the pussy. You can do anything." I need another shower. Go U.S. Women's Soccer team!