Partying Like It's 999

If you're tired of buying overpriced drinks at an overtly posh, overly stuffy, pseudo-dance club cum meat market just to secure a single vodka-breath kiss for that wickedly hazy twilight hour, put away that credit card and revert to a time when what you wanted could be had with a rough hair pull, a violent arm grab or a simple call to your feudal militants. Men and women of the high Middle Ages knew how to party. No ex-lover text messaging at the bar or sex-dancing to distracting, off-time countdowns. No mascara tears in the last stall of a puke- and gossip-filled ladies' room. Medieval cats didn't need Sparks heart injections as an excuse to bludgeon someone to death for a haphazard lazy-eye gaze or a snarky remark on the castle's new glass window. Being civilized has gotten so boring!

Medieval Times, the dinner theater that presents action-packed tournaments and chivalric contests before guests gnawing on the bones of helpless poultry and sloppily drinking cola out of 10-pound goblets like it's summertime under the Slurpee machine, is offering an "all-inclusive New Year's Eve package." There'll be preshow hors d'oeuvres, white-man's-overbite dancing, party favors (mini maces that glow in the dark?), a gluttonous four-course meal and, of course, a two-hour performance that'll have you attempting a spirited (i.e. drunk) "Blue Knight!" or "Yellow Knight!" yell through a mouthful of potatoes and a rapid onset of the gout.

New Year's Eve at Medieval Times, 7662 Beach Blvd., Buena Park, (888) 935-6878; Sun., 9:30 p.m. $49.95; children 12 and under, $33.95.

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