Park & Bark
Illustration by Bob AulDon't get me wrong: I love noise late at night. A hundred people in my back yard drinking beer until 2:30 a.m.? No problem. Band rehearsal? Even better. But just when I thought the idiocy level of the two beasts in my own back yard could not be exceeded, they are one-upped by not only a dog, but a person as well. Only a thoughtless asshole would even consider letting their animal disturb other people, let alone take the act on the road. Like you, the I-haven't-had-decent-sex-in-more-than-10-years subhuman dweeb who drives around my otherwise placid Orange neighborhood with your dog hanging out the passenger-side window of their Brady Bunch Country Squire station wagon, yapping into the night air at exactly 9:30. Ahhhhhh, that's cute. Doggie like go for ride? Doggie like barkie-barkie? Doggie want chew toy? Doggie want lick master's pee-pee? Good boy, that's it. Incite all the other worthless animals in the neighborhood to bark, too. I have only seen your shadowy outline against the night sky, so I don't know your age, gender or anything else about you except that, aside from being a social retard, you are inflicting your lack of common decency on me as well.
Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations—changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent—to "Hey, You!" c/oOCWeekly, P.O. Box 10788, Costa Mesa, CA 92627-0247, or e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss OC Weekly's biggest stories. Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts