You were the officer who detained me in the park on suspicion of being a sex criminal. You did this because I had a copy of the OC Weekly in the passenger seat next to a bottle of sunscreen. You also noted that my window was down and the driver's side was partially open. While waiting for the backup officer, you explained your theory: I was using the "sex magazine" to get off and intended to use the sunscreen as a lubricant for my self-abuse while I waited for a female to enter the park, whereupon I would expose myself or possibly even commit rape. The open window and door were my attempt to cool down from a perverse passion that had already reached the boiling point. Long story short, Inspector Holmes: The aggressive frisk, auto search and background check that followed turned up nothing incriminating. You wasted your time subjecting this elderly Leisure World resident to a humiliating ordeal. So it was almost amusing when your sergeant and the backup officer agreed that your initial suspicion justified a thorough investigation and no apology was necessary. Park pervs, beware! The Barney Fifes of the local police department are sure to nail you, especially if you are unfortunate enough to be caught with the Weekly in your sweaty palms.
Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations—changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent—to firstname.lastname@example.org.
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