Two things occurred to me when a link to what were billed as nude photos of Octomom Nadya Suleman arrived in my inbox:
1) Is there anything I don't subject myself to for youse people?
B. This job does not pay enough for this shit.
Not that it stopped me from taking a peek at TMZ's slightly censored slideshow based on the unemployed single mother of 14's photo shoot for a European magazine. I'm not about to include the photos here because, Lord knows, I'm already in hock to my eyeballs from what I owe in unauthorized reprint fees to European photographers. But the link above will take you where you want to go, you poor sick bastard.
Say, if you want to open up the slideshow in one window, you can see what raced through my feeble mind as I quickly scanned each one. (Christ almighty, what I do for you people.)
Opener of Natalie nude but lying on her stomach to hide her naughty bits: Eek, my eyes are burning. I can go the rest of my life without seeing that again. Remember when she wouldn't do porn or pose nude or wash her hair for a fetish site and only accidentally shot the video of herself in a leather corset whipping a guy in a diaper? Guess times change when your La Habra home is in foreclosure and no celeb boxing matches are on the horizon.
1.) OK, this is actually tasteful, artsy even. Other than the circus freak lips, her face looks less plastic than usual. Nice jacket. Did someone draw that belly button slit in later?
2.) Based on the full frame, the belly button slit is crooked. From this distance, those lips look less inflated. Don't know if the carpet match the drapes, but the panties match the jacket.
3.) I'm just about ready to add Nads to the human league, but I stop at those lips every time. They are just way to fake, honey, let Angelina Jolie have hers and move on to aping someone else for chrissakes. And is that a vein or surgery scar above the right boob?
4.) Eeks, my eyes, damn you! OK, now I can go the rest of my life without seeing this shot again.
5.) Yeah, just bringing it in closer does not help. Seriously, my pasta lunch is about to make a reappearance.
6.) That's more like it. But must I keep harping on the lips? Yes, I must.
7.) The most fetching so far.
8.) Merv Griffin, remarking about Vanna White, says a large head on a small frame spells success in TV land. Nads has that going here. But does anyone else think she has boy hips? The black box obviously indicates exposed nip, which I'll let you horndogs search for on the interwebs because THAT is where I do draw the line.
9.) I see deep sadness in those peepers but damn if I can feel sorry for her because I'm taken back to those pink polish sausages she calls lips.
10.) From just above her breasts up, she doesn't look too bad. But, again, what's up with the right boob? It's as if someone superimposed a different breast over that one. Notice to the two tones of skin? And, no, I'm not referencing the shadow. Fortunately for her, women with two-tone skin, belly button slits and boy hips make up an entire fetish niche.
11.) Boobs that misshapen = fake.
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12.) She appears less plastic from that distance. That's not a good pose for the thighs, tho. No wonder God invented airbrushing.
14.) Once in a blue moon, someone will leave a comment on our Octomerde posts claiming that Nads is hot. That person should like this shot, if not all of the previous ones. Must be an acquired taste. Like arsenic.