The mysterious light emanating from the anus of Congressman Chris Cox (R-Newport Beach) is one of seven "Stairways to Heaven" described in the sacred books of the Apocrypha, religious leaders announced Wednesday.
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"We were surprised at first, of course, and then much pleased," said Arkbishop Cheerios, a venerated leader of a Greek Orthodox splinter group in Athens. The 48-year-old Cox had been trying to mask the light with heavyweight chinos and a tuxedo coat with tails but acknowledged, "There just wasn't a lot I could do about the singing of the heavenly host that attended the strange glow." Fellow congressmen first noticed the phenomenon in Washington, D.C.'s Dupont Circle, when Cox sat alone in his car at night, surrounded by what Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) described as "a fantastic, golden light and the hallelujahing of a chorus of cherubim and seraphim." Others said they had a hint that something was up in June 1998, when Cox published a committee report detailing accusations of Chinese spying in U.S. weapons labs. "I thought he was joking when he said he pulled the Cox Committee Report out of his ass," said co-chairman Norm Dicks, a Washington state Democrat. Paul Crouch, head of Orange County-based religious broadcaster Trinity Broadcasting Network, called Cox a fraud. "I've seen this trick hundreds of times," he said. "You just stick one of those high-powered flashlights down your trousers along with a small stereo. I've done it myself." Representative Barney Frank (D-Massachusetts) agreed. "I've seen better," he said. Caltech scientists were intrigued. "It's too early to say for sure, but if the reports are accurate, this looks like a wormhole in space—the sort of thing that would allow one to travel vast distances in a split-second," said Dr. Robert Mandelbrot. Then Mandelbrot turned whimsical. "But imagine: all of space in a man's bottom. Talk about your black holes." Cheerios dismissed critics who said it was unlikely that God would employ an American congressman's fundament as a portal into the afterlife. "We are talking about a God who once enfleshed himself as a lowly Jew at the back end of the vast Roman Empire," Cheerios said. "Why not a right-of-way up the back end of a backbencher from the legislature of the modern world's greatest empire?"