Hey, this is Jill-Michele from MADtv. A friend of mine sent me your write-up on the funniest female contest that I hosted [Rebecca Schoenkopf's "Commie Girl," April 11]. I don't appreciate your nastiness. If you cannot remember, let me remind you that I was not in the competition. I used that space to work out new stuff. I was not going to have a tight show because I was not being judged. I got paid to be the guest host. I am very well known for my Drew Barrymore impression and I know it's the best. I'm sure that girl who attempted a Drew impression after me was a friend of yours and that's fine, but don't bad-mouth people that have credibility in this business because it's going to come back and bite you in the ass. If you want to be a successful reporter—whether it's on film or on paper—know now that I will never give you an interview.
Rebecca Schoenkopf responds: I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings. The other girl's Drew was better, and no, she wasn't a friend of mine. But you're very lovely and, as I noted in my review, some of your stuff was funny as hell. But let me give you a little professional advice: don't ever ask people to pay money for a show that you know isn't ready.
Will Swaim, I saw your photograph in the OC Weekly a few weeks ago—something about you being on the laudable PBS about MTBE levels ["MTBE Lies I Told You," June 13].I gotta tell you that I was shocked to see it. I pictured you as a mid-to-late-30s fat and balding guy who wears T-shirts that are two sizes two small, exposing his slightly hairy but definitely too-large belly, and is continually trying to grow a mustache that only ends up looking like you just drank a milk shake. Well, I guess you are maybe in your 30s, but that's about the only thing I was right about. No fat. No teenage mustache. So instead of picturing you as the comic-store guy from The Simpsons, I now picture you as a regular dork.
The editor responds:Interesting, Derrick, that you pictured Will as a fat, balding dork, whereas I picture him on a white steed, with flowing hair, jutting chin, wearing a pair of light blue Dittos (childhood trauma, too long to explain). I say "picture" because I'm assuming you're hip to the fact that "Will Swaim" is in fact a computer composite constructed for us by a Belgian graphics firm. We use the Swaim character as a marketing tool and to get big money payoffs from large corporations, as we did with oil companies through that MTBE story "written" by "Will Swaim." I mean, you didn't really think anything human could stand beneath hair that thick without its skull imploding, did you? Of course not. Will Swaim is no more human than Pop 'N Fresh or Robert Schuller. Ah, but we have our dreams, eh, DJ?
Commie Girl, I just wanted to thank you for your unbiased opinion on us convicted felons in your Speedway article [Rebecca Schoenkopf's "Vrooom!" June 27]. I've been stuck in the prison system since 1998, all drug-related offenses and my last term was two years in New Folsom for residue in a baggy stuffed in the passenger seat of my work truck. With my priors, though, I had no grounds to fight it so I did my time and upon release I tried to go to college with grants and loans—but parole denied my transfer without review. I tried to transfer out of the county of my birth, the place I call home, the place which now makes me sick—I'm talking sadly enough about OC—to further my education where the parole office doesn't have "my number." All I ever get from them is "no." So people wonder why there is a revolving door and so many lives are wasted on the only vices we know as criminals—drug addiction, crime and death! I love Speedway, spent many nights there as a kid, but with such a controversial name and a way with words, Commie Girl, I personally wish you could further voice your opinions on us lost souls. I will be 26 this month and I'm not getting any younger. So do what you can. If we have faith in nothing else, we have faith in you.
I thank you kindly.
WE'RE NO GOOD
I can't really get my mind around the "Find the Mexican" routine ["Play Dick Nichols' 'Spot the Mexican Challenge!' With Me, Dick Nichols!" June 27]. Is this kind of troglodyte racism funny now? I had thought better of you.
The editor responds: First, Larry, I wouldn't think about us at all, if I were you. You'll only get hurt. We're mean and abusive and even the women in the office always leave the seat up. Second, I hope your letter wasn't motivated by envy for our "Spot the Mexican" winners, who at present are two people whose names I can't remember but who will soon find out they're sharing the fabulous first prize of a nickel (that's 2.5 cents apiece, boys!) when I get around to calling them, which may not be too soon because, what, all of a sudden I'm everybody's servant? Damn! Larry, make me a sandwich. . . . Oh, hey, hey, I'm sorry, Larry, baby,OC Weekly didn't mean that. You know that, right? C'mon, lemme see that little Larry smile I like. Ahhhhh, yeah.
Navy corpsman Noah Glanville, recently returned from Iraq, objects to Anthony Pignataro's characterization that he had turned against "George W. Bush's war" following the death of his lieutenant ("Burying the Dead,"July 4). Glanville says he would never characterize the war in Iraq that way, that Orange County Register reporter Gordon Dillow had it right when he wrote the death of Lt. Therrel "Shane" Childers made Glanville realize, "suddenly and too late, how much he hated war, any war."
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