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One of Jim Washburn's main arguments in "In Defense of Gay Marriage" [Lost in OC, Feb. 13] was that because the marriage of gays does not affect heterosexuals, society should allow and recognize gay marriages—and basically just shut up about the whole thing. If something does not directly affect us, does that mean we just turn our heads and look the other way? What would our world be like if we used this "logic" for everything? Hey, I see smoke coming out of my neighbor's window and I hear screaming. Well, my house is fine, so what, ignore it? Obviously, you may apply Washburn's argument to any scenario, and it's ridiculous, selfish and the easy way out.
My wife of 20 heterosexual, sanctified years and I awoke on Valentine's Day as we usually do, our hearts overflowing with love for each other. We shared cards, gifts and love as we normally do. Then we looked at the front-page photo in the Times of two lesbians waiting to get married. We were horrified. We both lost our breakfasts, as, we're sure, did Jesus. We could feel the sanctity of our marriage gushing out from us. My wife then ran off to marry her brother, while I've been checking out interspecies-dating websites, looking for that one special sheep. Don't believe those liberals who tell you every loving couple deserves the rights and privileges of marriage. Save the sanctity of marriage from loving gay couples. My soon to be ex-wife and I are thinking of holding a double wedding ceremony once I find Mr. Right Sheep.
I love Jim Washburn—I really do. So I was a bit disappointed with his brilliant commentary on gay marriage. Like most straight people—and gay men—Jimbo forgot that the homo community also includes lesbians. Is it because we're not as much fun? It's true were not usually wedding planners, hairstylists or florists, but think of all the ways lesbos also assist in helping straights get married:
1) We may not make the floral arrangements, but who do you think delivers them? UPS and FedEx—lesbians!
2) We may not plan the weddings, but we do teach your kids how to get athletic enough to dance at them. High school physical-ed teachers—lesbians!
3) After you've thrown your back out and ruined your knees dancing like a wasted fool at your straight wedding, who do you see? Physical therapists—lesbians!
4) Who adopts your children when you've descended into the coke scene now that your wife or husband has left you and you're unfit to raise the little buggers? Rosie O'Donnell and other lesbians!
5) Lastly, we may not marry you as priests, but who finally convinces all nice, young Catholics that religion sucks, effectively turning you into "spiritualists with no church"? Mean nuns in Catholic school hitting you with rulers—lesbians! Bam, you're saved!
Thanks, Jim Washburn, for making sure people keep mistaking a rather bland, innocent interest in neat anthropomorphic characters that some of us have for the unusual sexual practices of a select few ["Of Mice and Menstruation," Feb. 6]! Good lord, to think of what would happen if we became mainstream; look what happened to Goths or the hippies. Man, I think people accepting us would be the worst thing, all the fakes wearing tails and ears because it's a fashion trend makes me shudder. However, I felt that lumping us with the Monkey in the White House was unfair. Unevolved Simians like Curious George Dubya, we don't let into the club. Anyway, thanks for keeping up the grand tradition of misdirection that makes us all seem like part of the overpierced, fetishist, outcast S&M crowd instead of a bunch of people with a slightly offbeat hobby or preference for fictional characters with animal characteristics.
Jonathan "Crimson Antarus" Perrine
Nick Schou has pulled the plug on the 22 freeway to let the truth flow where other so-called sources of information refuse to travel. He's obviously seen through Bruce Broadwater's Enron-like scheme ["Supervisor Sig-Alert," Feb. 20] to move HUD monies that could have been used for street signs, street medians and street widening in Garden Grove into the city's Redevelopment Agency to buy land—land that Garden Grove has committed, in writing, to give to the same developers who then "contribute" monies into "Bulldozer" Broadwater's campaign coffer. Thanks to Nick and OC Weekly.
The city of Irvine is suddenly concerned that oak trees are dying off at the proposed El Toro Airport site due to the lack of water [Theo Douglas' "Screaming Trees," Feb. 13]. Well, Irvine only has themselves to blame. If my fine city would allow a perfectly good airport to operate, then the Navy would have turned the base over for civilian reuse by now. Instead, the Navy is tied up in the process of slowly purifying the base to meet park-safety/child-proof standards before they can convey any parcels. Besides, doesn't the Navy have better things to deal with like, say, the War on Terror? In addition, the revenues from airport operations could pay for the maintenance and upkeep of the grounds, including the oak trees. However, Mayor Larry Agran has let his ego get in the way of progress, just so he could have a political monument named after himself. It's a shame those dying oak trees can't vote him out of office.
I'm saying it now! Von Dutch is yesterday's trend [Theo Douglas' "Von Who?" Jan. 9]. News flash! Von Dutch poseurs from HB to LA, it was played-out a year ago! Especially you young twentysomethings driving your parents' Hummer or Escalade, with the Von Dutch hat turned sideways and baggy jeans, thinking you're street smart and being filmed for MTV's Cribs! Get your own fucking style! You clones! I hate you so! You're so boring!
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