Letter From the Unknown Soldier
Dear Orange Countian:
I hope this letter finds you in good health. Me, I'm sitting in this desert camp, eating cold chow out of a hot can, having no sex, with no communication with the outside world other than this inbred-looking newspaperman who claims to be the most-read columnist in your neck of the woods. And I thought life here sucked harder than a toothless Moroccan hooker!
Anyways, the brass keeps saying relax and how we're gonna crush Saddam, how we have nothing to worry about because it's not like there's a Southeast Asian jungle around for miles. But it's hard to get gung-ho when the latest weather forecast here calls for HELL'S FIERY INFERNO! If I'm chafing this bad now, wait until I have to slip into that rubber safety suit and gas mask. Just drink plenty of water, you're saying. HELLO! I'M IN A FUCKING DESERT, PEOPLE! Thanks to daily sandstorms and their 80 mph gusts, the skin on my forearms has been sandblasted off like the original paint on a '73 Impala, visibility's as clear as the Bush doctrine, and I've got sand granules in places a Cirque du Soleil contortionist couldn't reach. Swear to God, I'm pissing like an hourglass!
Yes, I have seen the future, and my future in this man's army is in hellholes like Iraq; Afghanistan; the Philippines; South Korea; Colombia; and Biloxi, Mississippi. Screw being all you can be, killing more before 6 a.m. than most people do all day, and having enough money for a college whose classes are being cut amid the Bush economy. I should have listened to my mom and joined the Texas Air Reserves.
This Dildo fellow you shipped over just showed us video of a Support Our Troops rally you all just held. Nice. But if you'd really like to support this particular troop, bring me home—right now!—and not in a body bag.
Peace be with me,
The Unknown Soldier
(as told to Matt Coker)
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Orange County, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.