Philadelphia update: The city is understandably proud of its performance during the Republican National Convention (RNC). And why not? The police hardly kicked anybody in the head repeatedly, and they did so at only twice the budgeted amount—$10 million instead of $5 million. That's a real bargain when you consider the cost per constitutional violation. Plus, they went the whole week without incendiary bombing a single inhabited city block! Things went so well that a few days after the RNC, the International Association of Chiefs of Police scheduled its convention in Philly for 2003, which figures to be just about the time the local cops are done kicking the crap out of that guy they pulled from the car.

Dallas update: Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, lunch, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, complain about the Mexicans, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill. The killingest place on earth has been especially killtastic these days, what with the governor running for president and Texans loathing anyone who's not a Texan or anyone who is a Texan but African-American, young, old, Mexican-American, female, African-American, mentally disabled, Canadian, Muslim or—worse —mentally disabled, African-American Muslims whose lawyers fall asleep during the trial while listening to Alanis Morrisette. Fiends! One hundred and forty people have been put to death on George W. Bush's watch, which sounds like a lot but really is nothing compared to, say, lung cancer. Bush's taste for lethally injecting blood has caused international outrage; most recently, Iraq and China released a joint statement in which they accused Bush of being "a pussy," adding: "Our moms kill more people than that making dinner." Run and shoot:Not all news was good for Philadelphians. The annual Labor Day pigeon shoot was canceled. Animal-rights activists argued the event, in its 66th year, is cruel—wounded birds are killed by tearing their heads off, smashing them against the ground, and crushing and suffocating them. (Texas officials are said to be "intrigued.") Shoot organizer Robert Tobash defended the event. "It isn't that we hate pigeons," he said. "We treat them well until they get shot." Mind game: Those who think of Texas as backward and cruel aren't familiar with the state's evolving attitude toward the mentally disabled. Texas: not just for executing anymore! The president of Josef Goebbels' alma mater, Texas A&M, is accused of bilking a 99-year-old mentally impaired woman out of $2 million, leaving her with $27,000 in the bank. And after receiving post cards from local police alerting them that one of their neighbors was a sex offender, residents of one Texas backwater severely beat a mentally retarded man who it turned out wasn't a sex offender. The convicted pedophile that formerly lived at the address had moved more than a year earlier. Consensus: You know it's easy to make fun of Texas. I guess that's why we like doing it. Go Eagles! — Steve Lowery


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