It's a Living

"Mistress Velda" has been a professional dominatrix since the late '90s.

Are some kinds of fetishists harder to handle than others? Do you dread dealing with certain kinks?

I like foot fetishists. They're easy; you step on a grapefruit, and they're thrilled. And crossdressers are a lot of fun, it's like playing dress-up. But I'm really not into brown showers. I'll do them, but I hate them.

Brown showers . . . ?

You know golden showers?

Uh, yeah. Where people pee on each other.

Yeah. Well, brown showers ain't pee! [Giggles.] You shit on a piece of paper and you give it to them, and they just go nuts. They smell it, they touch it, they eat it. I mean . . . Euggh. I'm supposed to tell them it's disgusting, that's part of what gets them off, but I'm not acting when I say that. It is disgusting! There are vomit fetishists too, that's what we call the Roman shower. I won't do that one. I don't want puke on me, and I won't make myself puke for anybody. I hate puke.

That's understandable. Even though you've been doing this for a while, are you still shocked sometimes by people's fantasies?

Oh, sure. I'm endlessly surprised by the male imagination. Guys are always coming up with stuff I'd never think of in a million years. I only worked with him once, but my absolute favorite freak ever was the couch man. His fantasy was to be a couch.

. . . A couch?

Yeah. It was very complicated and weird. He'd get down on all fours and he'd have girls come in and sit on his back. We'd sit there and just chat about whatever we felt like, perfectly casual conversations while we had a glass of wine or whatever, and he was a couch through the whole thing.

Would you talk to him at all during these sessions, or completely ignore him, like a couch?

Well, again, I only did this the one time. We never specifically talked to him when he was a couch. That would have broken the fantasy. But we did talk a lot about the couch.

What kinds of stuff did you say?

Like we'd spill wine on him, and we'd say, "Oh, darn! This old couch is getting ruined! We'll have to get a new one!" We'd say, "Oh, this couch really isn't very comfortable, it's so hard and lumpy . . . we really should have it reupholstered."

So, he wasn't even acomfortable couch?

Oh, being reupholstered was all his idea. He liked that.

Was there ever any actual sex at all?

No, no. That's not a part of what I do. Besides, how would you have sex with a couch? I suppose we could've had sex on him, but I don't think that was part of his fantasy.

Wow. Where do you suppose a fetish like that comes from?

Well, it sounds like something from childhood, to me. A lot of these things are. Maybe he hid under the couch cushions when he was a kid, and mommy caught him. It was a weird one, but I thought it was cute, honestly. It was just about the most silly, harmless fantasy a person could ever have. I think I'd like to have a man for a couch, actually. If he ever went out of style, I could just replace him.

Do you enjoy your job, or do you do it mostly for the money?

Well, obviously the money is a factor, but I do honestly enjoy this. It's fun, and a lot more interesting than working in an office someplace. When you fulfill somebody's fantasy, it can really make you feel good. I heard somebody compare it once to the Make-a-Wish Foundation, and it really is kind of like that.


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