DEAR MEXICAN: I enjoyed reading the letter some years back from the lovely Mexican lesbian about lip liner. I have met several guys from Mexico who came to the U.S. so they can come out of the closet. Nothing warms my middle-aged gay heart more than when a nice Mexican young man says, "Hola, papí"! However, it seems that when they go home to Mexico to visit their mamasitas, they go back into the closet. I've read in the news that things are getting better for my fellow homos in Mexico; are more macho muchachos "out" in Mexico these days?
Grateful White Queen
DEAR GABACHA: Life for mariposas in Mexico has gotten much better since the days when the Aztecs would kill gay men by pulling their entrails through their culos. Just last month, the Mexican Supreme Court legalized gay marriage in Jalisco, stereotypically the most macho state in la república (the rest of us mexicanos always knew those charros from Los Altos were on the down-low, anyway). On the other mano, the Human Rights Commission of Mexico City's 2008 report on LGBT discrimination noted that a Mexican governmental survey found that 48.4 percent of households surveyed said they wouldn't allow a gay person to live in their house, and more than 90 percent of LGBT folks had experienced discrimination on account of their sexuality. In other words, Mexico is about as tolerant of gay folks as Ted Cruz, but far better-looking.
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DEAR MEXICAN: How come Mexicans lower their pickup trucks and put those tiny wheels on there that stick out beyond the fender? In doing so, they have essentially ruined a perfectly good truck to nothing more than a low-riding car. I can honestly say I haven't seen any other ethnic group do this to their trucks as regularly as Mexicans. What gives?
Juan Confused Coloradan
DEAR GABACHO: Mexicans lower their cars, and gabacho bros raise their Dodge Rams and F-250s as high as possible. Such suspension choices are metaphors for our respective razas—Mexicans are close to Mother Earth, while gabas will forever remain uppity pendejos.
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DEAR MEXICAN: I work with Mexicans on a golf course. We eat lunch together, and I love tortillas. I even learned how to make a spoon out of a tortilla. These guys know nothing about la cocina. So when I ask them how to make the red sauce the meat is cooked in, they give me the furrowed-brow look. I cook a lot at my house; I'm sure some of them think this gringo is a faggot. Where can I find a recipe for this red sauce?
My 18th Hole Is You-Know-Where
DEAR GABACHO: Not enough info here. What kind of salsa roja was it—from chile de arbol? Japones? Chipotle? Piquín? Chiltepín? Or was it a guisado? A mole? Maybe a thick consommé? There are as many Mexican salsas as there are narcos in the Mexican government, so get back at me with the details. But don't say that hombres can't cook; just take it from celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain, who said last year, "If [Donald] Trump deports 11 million people or whatever he's talking about right now, every restaurant would shut down." So can someone shove a cold burrito in Trump's face already?