Indiana Jones and the Throbbing Temples of Doom

Illustration by Bob AulThe Walt Disney Co. on June 19 settled for an undisclosed sum a lawsuit filed by a Texas woman who claimed she suffered brain damage after riding the Indiana Jones Adventure at Disneyland. Deborah Bynum, 46, says she developed an aneurysm and severe brain bleeding (!) as a result of the herky-jerky Jeep ride that's themed after the popular Indiana Jones movies. The deal came six days after the court ordered the Mouse to come up with a list of all guests who have suffered brain injuries at Disney theme parks—excluding, presumably, those driven mad by “Baroque Hoedown,” the monotonous theme song that accompanies the Main Street Electrical Parade that's now been dusted off and resurrected for that ghost town known as Disney's California Adventure. Disney reportedly settled a similar case in 1999, but park officials insist the Indy Jones ride is still safe. And while they had the media's attention, they unveiled plans for Disney's All-New Atlantis Underwater Lung-Sucking Adventure.

I DON'T WANNA BE BURIED IN NO PET CEMETERY In an interview with walking cadaver Larry King on June 20, Dick Nixon's daughter Julie “Not the Hot One” Nixon Eisenhower said she wants her dead dad's dead dog Checkers exhumed from a Long Island pet cemetery and moved near the former first couple's crypts at the Richard Nixon Library, Birthplace & Deathplace in Yorba Linda. History buffs may recall that the dog was credited with saving his master's political neck in the infamous Checkers Speech of 1952. Hit with allegations that he accepted bribes from supporters, Nixon and his sweaty, quivering upper lip appeared on black-and-white television to admit to accepting just one gift: “a little cocker spaniel dog in a crate.” The dog is reportedly still in a box. In a related story, the Nixon Library is desperately trying to locate Pat Nixon's old cloth coat, which was last seen being peed on by a homeless guy in Buffalo.

SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT Alleging that her classroom at Estancia High School in Costa Mesa reeks so badly it sickened her, teacher Christine Goodhue filed suit against the Newport-Mesa Unified School District on June 20. Goodhue, who has reportedly been on medical leave since September, says in her suit that district officials refused her request for a transfer after Estancia's dirty air-conditioning system prompted her headaches, dizziness, burning eyes and breathing problems. Clockwork fears she's being too hasty in singling out the A/C. Have you smelled a teenager lately? Walk into a teen's bedroom sometime. It stinks so bad your nose hairs burn! Thank you very much. It stinks so bad flies go there to die! You're a wonderful crowd. It stinks so bad you look forward to their farts! Goodnight and drive home safely.

TOO BIG FOR THEIR BRITCHES New city. Neo city. Edge city. Edgeless city. Outer city. Suburban city. Urban fringe. Satellite sprawl. Technoburb. All these buzzwords have been slapped onto big cities in what we used to simply refer to as the suburbs. Anaheim, Costa Mesa, Fullerton, Irvine, Orange and Santa Ana got a new nickname: “Boomburb.” According to a study released on June 22 by the Fannie Mae Foundation, a Boomburb is a city with more than 100,000 residents that is not the largest city in its metropolitan area and has maintained double-digit population growth in recent decades. There are now 53 Boomburbs across the U.S. But before, say, a Fullertonian tells a La Habran, “In your face, stagnant growth trender,” you need to know that Fannie Mae says “big-city problems” may be on the way for Boomburbers. Panhandling, muggings, clogged traffic, public urination and outrageous parking fees and homeless guys peeing on old cloth coats are in. And demographic changes are on the way: white people are out—down to just 51.2 percent in OC. (Anaheim was specifically cited for dwindling honkyism.) Oh, and expect mimes—lots and lots of mimes. And a burning Santa Ana River.