[Hey, You!] She's Just Not That Into You
I’m not a practicing Muslim, and I never pretended to be. You, on the other hand, used your religion as a pretense to oust me from your life after I took time out of my busy semester to write your personal statement for graduate school. I’m not sure which version of the Koran you’re reading, but your religion promotes humility and admonishes against materialism, wearing provocative clothes and premarital sex. Hopefully, your God has a high tolerance for Mercedes-Benz-driving, skintight-designer-jeans- and tube-top-wearing, belly-dancing, lying hypocrites. Religious texts are subject to interpretation, but pretending to be pregnant to justify your sudden disregard for me while you were secretly rekindling your romance with your steroid-pumping ex is universally abominable.
Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations—changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent—to “Hey, You!” c/o OC Weekly, 2975 Red Hill Ave., Ste. 150, Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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