[Hey, You!] See Dick Skate
Matt Bors

[Hey, You!] See Dick Skate

I understand you’re a huge hockey fan, but is it necessary to start your kid out when he still has a pacifier in his mouth? I’m sure I wasn’t the only person on the rink staring at your toddler outfitted in full hockey gear and a binky, being escorted around the ice by you and your wife in matching Ducks jerseys. First of all, you can’t even skate, so maybe this is an unfinished dream of yours that you should really pursue on your own time while your son is at home, coloring and playing with his toys. And by the way, when he throws himself down on the ice and refuses to move? That’s because he hates being forced on this death march you call fun. Protesters did the same thing in the ’60s; it’s a passive yet very effective tool for resistance. I guess I should just be happy you didn’t choose an activity that would really frustrate him, like playing the trumpet.

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