[Hey, You!] Billy the Kidder

Matt Bors

I know you and your brother are little and probably very excited about flying to Orange County with Grandma and Grandpa. It’s fun to go on a big airplane. I remember it myself. But as you get older, things change. Sometimes grown-ups get a little nervous about stuff. It comes from paying bills, dealing with insurance companies and reading about global terrorism. Imagine you’re all grown up and you’re taking your first flight in years. You get on a little plane that looks like it’s held together with thumbtacks and Velcro. The plane takes off, and just as you reach a height where the incredible noise of the engines finally subsides and everyone is at peace, a little kid suddenly announces, “In about four seconds, we’re gonna die.” At this point, your grandpa should have leaned over and said something like, “Now, Billy (or whatever your name is), we don’t say things like that because it might scare someone.” The fact that Grandpa didn’t say anything is probably why you looked out your window at the ocean and added, “I’m glad I can swim!” Also not okay, Billy. I hope you have fun at Disneyland, by the way. Since your grandpa’s not much of a talker, he may neglect to mention that everything there is pretend. When you get on “It’s a Small World,” don’t say anything to scare people because believe me, they will stop that ride. They will stop that ride, Billy.


Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations—changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent—to “Hey, You!” c/o OC Weekly, 2975 Red Hill Ave., Ste. 150, Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or e-mail us at letters@ocweekly.com.


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