301 Hikers who still occasionally require search-and-rescue teams in Whiting Ranch, a park surrounded by homes and Soviet-era-big shopping centers.
302 Trader Joe's at 640 W. 17th St., Costa Mesa, (949) 642-5134.
303 The used-CD bin at Compact Disc Warehouse on Sunday morning after the new stuff comes in Saturday and before the weekday rush hoovers up the best stuff. 125 N. Tustin St., Ste. D, Orange, (714) 771-6646.
304 Dinner on the patio at Troquet. It costs as much as eating in a fine New Yorkrestaurant, but it feels like you just might be in New York, which makes it a great two-hour vacation. Inside South Coast Plaza, 3333 Bristol St., Ste. 3001, Costa Mesa, (714) 708-6865.
305 “I think I know who [Oklahoma City bombing suspect] John Doe No. 2 is. The resemblance is incredible if you put glasses on the composite. I say we force Janet Reno to roll up her shirt sleeves and see if she's got a tattoo.” Letter to the Register, May 12, 1995.
306 The 1999 Angels-their worst team ever!
307 Buying Cadbury chocolate other than Cadbury Creme Eggs at Best of Britain. 127 Ave. del Mar, San Clemente, (949) 361-0631.
308 Where have all the vegan hippies gone? Rutabegorz. Look like a hippie, or just eat like one. 211 N. Pomona Ave., Fullerton, (714) 738-9339; 158 W. Main St., Tustin, (714) 731-9807; 4610 Barranca Pkwy., Irvine, (949) 733-1444.
309 Reverend Robert “Boom-Boom” Schuller's recipe for a better flight in first class: more grapes, less cheese.
310 The Irvine Animal Shelter, where everything wrong with the county's Thrill-Kill Kult Animal Shelter-crappy hours, bitter staff, lousy animal accommodations-is fabulously rectified. Note: this is where county officials drop off deer killed by motorists on the county's toll roads. 6443 Oak Canyon, Irvine, (949) 724-7740.
311 The Caffeine and Complex Amino Acids Orange Plaza Special: rice and beans at Felix Continental Café ($2.95, to go) and a cup of coffee at Diedrich Coffee two doors down ($1.25). Chapman Ave. and Glassell St., Orange.
312 Buying used clothes for kids at Children's Orchard because the very act of buying secondhand constitutes a revolutionary moment in the history of Orange County consumption. Or maybe I just hate to waste money. Locations countywide.
313 The Plant Depot, the best nursery that isn't Roger's Gardens, which has the obligatory koi pond and the largest selection of lavenderswe've ever seen. 33413 San Juan Creek Rd., San Juan Capistrano, (949) 240-2107.
314 SONGS, the nuclear power plant at San Onofre, which has run accident-free for decades and whose breast-like cooling towers have given us several good laughs in Leslie Nielsen movies.
315 Renovations will eventually eliminate the fabulous old sofas in the old library wing at Cal State Fullerton, but until then, we'll be chillin' in the darkness.
316 The even more fabulous new sofas at Décor. We can't afford them-not on what the Weekly pays its staff of third-world Best Of writers, working in a dim factory south of a major Asian city (please help)-but if you bought one, it would please us to know that someone, somewhere had a beautiful piece of furniture. Thanks for thinking of us. 1800 Newport Blvd., Costa Mesa, (949) 548-4874.
317 It's not Fahrenheit 451, but Quest Books is part of a dying breed. Excellent magazine section and cute little water fountains make us want to squeal with joy. 31882 Del Obispo, San Juan Capistrano, (949) 661-7750.
318 Great Mexican food at Las Golandrinas-and cheap! Students won't have to blow their ramen money. 27981 Greenfield Dr., Laguna Niguel, (949) 362-1913; 501 Main St., Huntington Beach, (714) 374-3116.
319 Lost track of all the problems/ scandals at Irvine Valley College? So have we. Try Saddleback. 28000 Marguerite Pkwy., Mission Viejo, (949) 582-4500.
320 Boyfriend screams, “How could you possibly charge $800 at the Container Store!” Girlfriend smiles and says, “Easy.” 901G South Coast Dr., Costa Mesa, (714) 556-2333.
321 The Transportation Corridors Agency admits it hasn't solved the deer-fence problem; we say $2.25 to ride the toll road is cheaper than a hunting license.
322 The cure for the Starbucks disease: Peet's. 894 Avocado Ave., Newport Beach, (949) 640-6377.
323 The pork chops at Romeo Cucina could seduce a kosher vegan. 249 Broadway, Laguna Beach, (949) 497-6627; also in Laguna Niguel, (949) 831-4131.
324 Used hockey equipment at Play It Again Sports doesn't stink as bad as you might think, and it's cheap if you hit the Huntington Beach location. 18352 Beach Blvd., Huntington Beach, (714) 848-6788.
325 The centuries-old stink of incensepermeating wood and plaster in the Old Mission church in San Juan Capistrano. 326 The sense you get that Eisenhower's still in office and that Sputnikis racing overhead when you pierce the top of a steaming pie at the La Palma Chicken Pie Shop. 928 N. Euclid St., Anaheim, (714) 533-2021.
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327 Exo.com is an affordable independent service provider and just small enough to allow you to talk to a live person on tech support without a three-hour hold. 300 S. Harbor Blvd., Ste. 716, Anaheim, (714) 991-1919.
328 Mini-mall tattoo shops.
329 Sitting in PJ's Abbey, a desanctified churchthat's now a restaurant. The specialty: bread and wine. 182 Orange St., Orange, (714) 771-9858.
330 The gazpachoat Felix Continental Café: delicious, though never warm enough for our taste. 36 Plaza Square, Orange, (714) 633-5842.
331 Antiquesshopping on the Orange Plaza.
332 The chicken sandwich at Watson Drug Store and Soda Fountain. 116 E. Chapman Ave., Orange, (714) 532-6315.
333 The lime-green zoot suits, fedoras and wingtip shoes at Wicket's Sho-Biz. It's like walking into Cab Calloway's closet. 100 S. Glassell, Orange, (714) 639-6431.
334 $1 Chinesefood. It's everywhere.
335 American Heritage has been around for five years, where you can buy old Coke machines, gas pumps, craps tables or a stock car body. 110 1 / 2 S. Glassell St., Orange, (714) 289-2241.
336 “Smilin' Sam from Alabam-the Salted Peanut Man,” a vending machine at American Heritage that looks like Satan.
337 The most elegant commentary on the present state of American labor is to be found outside American Heritage. There, you'll find a giant fiberglass statue of an anthropomorphic French-fry man holding a sign that reads, “Buy American” while eating a French fry.
338 Billy Zoomlives here.
339 Gwen Stefanilives here.
340 Dexter Hollandlives here.
341 Mike McGrathlives here.
342 Mike Nesslives here.
343 Jeweldoesn't.
344 BuzzAldrin lives here.
345 You know, he was on the moon.
346 Really.
347 Dick Nixon's body lives here.
348 Will Ferrellused to live here.
349 Steve Martinused to live here.
350 Suzanna Hoffsused to live here.
351 Kevin Costnerdoesn't live here anymore.
352 French deconstructionist Jacques Derrida lives here.
353 Well, actually, he only lives here halfthe year.
354 Which is to say, half the year he does not live in Orange County.
355 Then again, what do we mean when we say “live”?
356 And while we are “alive,” do we “live,” which is to say by the mere fact of being alive is one living . . . wait, that's what we said before. We're sorry.
357 Though, by saying “sorry,” what are we really saying? I mean is anyone reallysorry?
358 Tiger Woodsused to live here.
359 Todd Marinovichused to live here.
360 A bunch of very talented scientists, mostly at UCI, working for the benefit of mankind live here.
361 We have no idea who they are, but way to work for mankind, guys!
362 The sensuous curves of the Ali Baba Motel. 2250 Newport Blvd., Costa Mesa, (949) 645-7700.
363 Nickel Nickel 5 Cents Arcade: for a $1.95 entry fee you can play myriad pinball, video and air hockey games, none costing more than four nickels! 7454 Edinger Ave., Huntington Beach, (714) 847-2191.
364 Remembering how much money you poured into games like Centipede, Asteroids, Berzerk, Robotron and Frogger while you play them for free-FREE!-at Nickel Nickel.
365 Watching Mr. Hankyjump out of the toilet tank while playing South Park pinball at Nickel Nickel.
366 The Capistrano Death Ray.
367 The man-throttling-poultry shirts worn by the staff at Spanky's, adult-toys purveyors.
368 The steaming, delicious goothat pours out of the steaming pie at La Palma Chicken Pie Shop.
369 The rich are very different from you and me. When his car hits three years, a rich guy dumps it. Result: I pick up a near-new BMWfor something like the price of a Yugo at Cove Motoring. 1666 Superior Ave., Costa Mesa, (949) 650-5915.
370 The stained-glass windows showing Masonicsymbols on the corner of the Masonic Temple in Orange. 71 Plaza Square, Orange, (714) 538-1443.
371 The Orange County Record Swap at the Sequoia Athletic Club on the last Sunday of each month. 7530 Orangethorpe Ave., Buena Park, (714) 739-4141.
372 Free teaat Williams-Sonoma inside South Coast Plaza. 3333 Bristol St., Ste. 2630, Costa Mesa, (714) 751-1166.
373 “What a shame. We have a president who has lied, cheated, committed perjury, corrupted the Justice Department, etc., etc. We have a vice president who shakes down Buddhist nuns for money, claims to have invented the Internet and is determined to shut down U.S. businessess in order to save some trees. Contrast that with Dan Quayle, who mispelled potato. The mean-spirited (liberal) press chose to destroy a decent politician's career over nonsense, hounding him over a silly, inconsequential mistake.” Letter to the Register, Oct. 1, 1999.
374 You can get any kind of paperin the world at Xpedx Paper N Graphics, a Costco-sized warehouse of paper. 1630 S. State College Blvd., Anaheim, (714) 978-1619.
375 “It is the liberals who encourage schoolchildren to accept homosexuality as an honorable lifestyle, pass out condoms to them, make available pornography and other perverted material, insist on government-paid abortions, and all the other multiple evils our country has been cursed with in the 40 years of liberal Democratic power. God help the United States of America if Bill Clinton manages to win the election.” Letter to the Register, May 2, 1996.
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376 The Teahouse at Los Rios will clean out your wallet, but the scones are oh so worth the pain. 31731 Los Rios St., San Juan Capistrano, (949) 443-3914.
377 You've got a Honda,but you think it's a Ferrari. Don't get reamed at the dealer for a new fender. Try Honda Independent Auto Dismantling. 11751 Westminster Blvd., Garden Grove, (714) 554-7657; www.h-auto.com.
378 The fish tacos at Wahoo's.
379 The fish tacos at Frescas.
380 The fish tacos at Rubios.
381 The fish tacosat Taco Mesa.
382 Unlike the fabulous, dusty chaos of some of your finest hobby stores, there's something very button-down efficient about Brookhurst Hobbies, home of the newest kits and even foreign hobby mags. 12188 Brookhurst St., Garden Grove, (714) 636-3580; www.brookhursthobbies.com.
383 If the Olde Shipstrikes you as a veddy British pub, that's probably because it is-not in the hauled-here-and-rebuilt-for-desert-yahoos way of a London Bridge, say, but in the very understated way an English navy expat might produce. Friendly and woody, old naval prints on the walls, serves excellent Newcastle on tap and very solid bangers and mash at the table. 709 N. Harbor Blvd., Fullerton, (714) 871-7447.
384 Trader Joe's at the Mall of Orange, 2114 N. Tustin Ave., Orange, (714) 283-5697.
385 Eric Stefani's abs.
386 The JustFaithprogram at Sts. Simon and Jude-a Huntington Beach Catholic church so terrific it needed two saints. JustFaith emphasizes the centrality in Christian theology of doing what Jesus said to do (like “Give everything you have to the poor and follow me”) rather than trying to work up convenient explanations for what he might have meant by what he said (like maybe, “Keep everything you have, but think good thoughts about the poor because, you know, basically God likes them, too”). 20444 Magnolia St., Huntington Beach, (714) 962-3333.
387 Anthony Wilson's nine-piece ensemble brings a very contemporary voicing style and edge to jazz standards. Check out the band's new Adult Themes CD on MAMA Records. That's Wilson's fine girlfriend on the cover.
389 Trader Joe's at 638 Camino de los Mares, San Clemente, (949) 240-9996.
390 Campingbut not surfing at San Clemente State Park.
391 Two words: hot moms! Are mothers anywhere else in the world as hot as they are here?
392 With its low lighting, floor-to-ceiling windows facing the deep-blue sea and exquisitely delicious take on the cuisine of the Mexican Riviera, Las Brisas is the restaurant for special, intimate dinners (think birthday, anniversary, place to pop the question). 361 Cliff Dr., Laguna Beach, (949) 497-5434.
393 A good, old-fashioned ass-whuppin'at Cook's Corner.
394 Angel Chuck Finley's patience.
395 The Crystal Cove Margarita (tequila, triple sec, amaretto and lime over rocks-not blended) at Las Brisas. 361 Cliff Dr., Laguna Beach, (949) 497-5434.
396 The Modjeska Canyon Volunteer FireDepartment.
397 Wondering what's really under all those moundsat the Seal Beach Naval Weapons Station.
398 Wondering what's really behind the wallsat Seal Beach's Leisure World.
399 Wondering what's really going on inside the Register news van.
400 Edwards Lido at 3459 Via Lido, Newport Beach, (949) 673-8350.
