Five Refurbishments That Can Help 'The Haunted Mansion' (The Movie)

Disneyland's seasonal The Nightmare Before Christmas overhaul of the Haunted Mansion is complete (the attraction reopens today after a 17-day closure), thus kicking off the park's Halloween-themed festivities.

Of course, the official launch of the park's Halloween-ness is September 30th which is when Mickey's Halloween Party begins, but this is kind of their "soft" start of all things spooky.

The Haunted Mansion is my favorite ride in the park and, I have to admit, over time I have come to love both versions of the ride equally. What I don't love is the horrible 2003 live-action film of the same name.

So why not give the film the same facelift treatment that the ride gets? After the jump, check out five refurbishments that The Haunted Mansion could use to make it good. Okay, not good, but definitely better... ish.

When it comes to live-action films, Disney has a lot in common with Saturday Night Live: every once in awhile they hit a grand slam (Pirates of the Caribbean or Wayne's World), but more often than not they're caught swinging at home plate (The Country Bears or A Night at the Roxbury).

2003's The Haunted Mansion never even got called up from the minor leagues.

Listed here are five refurbishments they should take into consideration when they inevitably digitally change the entire movie (à la that greedy rat bastard George Lucas) for its upcoming ten-year anniversary Blu-ray release.

1. Take out Eddie Murphy

Five Refurbishments That Can Help 'The Haunted Mansion' (The Movie)

Literally, put anyone else in his place. Eddie Money? Fine. Eddie from Iron Maiden? Brilliant! Murphy Brown? You're going for a different angle there but I'm down with it. Murphy Oil Soap? Even better. Anyone/thing is better than Eddie Murphy. The man hasn't been funny since 1999's Bowfinger. I mean, he's hosting the Oscars this year for Christ's sake, and we all know that's usually the last thing an actor does right before he/she dies. Remember when Billy Crystal died the day after hosting the Oscars in 2004? Exactly.

2. Let David Lynch re-edit it

Five Refurbishments That Can Help 'The Haunted Mansion' (The Movie)

Sure, it won't make any sense. And yes, there will be dancing midgets, more nudity than a hardcore porno, and absolutely no continuity whatsoever. But it will be creepy as fuck. Can you imagine Wallace Shawn speaking backwards? Elbaviecnocni! (High-five if you got that!)

3. Add a musical number/dance scene

Five Refurbishments That Can Help 'The Haunted Mansion' (The Movie)

The guys will hate it, but everyone already hates it so who gives a shit? Women will love it, kids will buy the soundtrack, and twenty years from now they'll take that one popular song and turn the entire thing into a Broadway musical! Franchise, baby! Franchise!

4. Replace Jennifer Tilly's character with the character she played in Bound

Five Refurbishments That Can Help 'The Haunted Mansion' (The Movie)

Sure, you're going to lose your PG rating but, believe me, it will be worth tit. I mean, it.

5. Replace it entirely with The Nightmare Before Christmas

Five Refurbishments That Can Help 'The Haunted Mansion' (The Movie)

Take a cue from the ride. Every copy of The Haunted Mansion should be dubbed over with Tim Burton/Henry Selick's The Nightmare Before Christmas. All but one copy, actually. I'll hold onto it and make sure that it never gets into the hands of another innocent movie watcher ever again. Or, more likely, I'll sell it on eBay the day after the Oscars.


All-access pass to the top stories, events and offers around town.

  • Top Stories


All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >