Former Irvine resident Drew David Lambert is 32, straight and looking for love. An Ovate in the Order of Bards, Ovates and Druids, Druid apprentice in the Ancient Order of Druids in America and Star Wars and Dungeons & Dragons role-play gamer ("Yes, I can be a total nerd!"), hopes to attract a white, Asian or Hispanic woman who is 18-40 years old. "If you love to read and desire open and honest communication with a man ignorant of romantic relationships, I'm your guy," he writes on a hook-up site. "I see a movie title in my future . . . The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Only you can prevent this tragedy!"
Speaking of tragedies, did we mention the three 6- and 7-year-old girls who lost their childhoods to serial molester Lambert?
If you've ever wondered how serial murderers and pedophiles rotting in prison manage to attract lonely women for companionship and conjugal visits, may we point you to Friends Beyond the Wall.
Specifically, go to the Friends site and David Cross-lookalike Lambert's post titled "Clean Slate," where he explains away his crimes by writing, "I have come a long way from being a 16-year-old hormone driven idiot!"
Can't say that my hormones at 16 drove me to want to diddle little girls. More like Raquel Welch. But that's just me.
When it comes to diddling on the outside—with fellow adults, one prays—Lambert will have to wait at least until his next parole hearing in 2016. That's because his latest bid was rejected Tuesday by the Board of Parole Hearings, California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation that convened at the California Correctional Institute in Tehachapi holding the inmate.
Here is the Orange County District Attorney's office description of Lambert's crimes:
Kidnap and Sexual Assault of 6-year-old Jane Doe #1
On the afternoon of Aug. 16, 1995, then-16-year-old Lambert was on his way to a psychotherapist appointment and stopped first at Super Crown Bookstore in Laguna Niguel. Lambert spotted 6-year-old Jane Doe #1 alone in the children's section of the store, where he approached her and used a children's book to gain her attention. Lambert then yanked Jane Doe #1 by the hand, took her into the men's restroom, and locked the door behind them. Lambert then removed his and the victim's pants and underwear, and positioned Jane Doe #1 on his lap as he began to masturbate. When the victim began to cry for her mother, Lambert quickly dressed himself and left the victim in the bathroom alone.
Jane Doe #1 was found crying outside of the restroom area by a concerned shopper. Police arrived at the scene and were able to positively match Lambert's fingerprints, which were obtained from a prior unrelated arrest, to the children's book used to engage the victim. Lambert was arrested Aug. 28, 1995, and he was tried as an adult for his offenses.
Molestation of Two Children and Attempted Molestation of Another
On Dec. 22, 1994, 6-year-old Jane Doe #2 and her 7-year-old friend, Jane Doe #3, were playing in the arcade section of a Laguna Niguel restaurant as their parents dined. Lambert approached the children and asked them to sit on his lap one at a time. Once on his lap, Lambert began to inappropriately touch the children and also exposed himself to Jane Doe #2. Lambert fled the scene when he heard the parents of the victims call for them.
On April 2, 1995, Lambert entered a Barnes & Noble bookstore in the city of Irvine, where he saw 6-year-old Jane Doe #4 browsing in the children's section. The inmate approached her and asked her to come closer. She declined and began to move away from Lambert. Lambert stopped near the restroom entrance and once again told the victim to join him. The victim ignored the inmate and reported the incident to her father. Lambert quickly fled the store. Authorities noted the similarities between this case and the case of Jane Doe #1. A photograph of Lambert was positively identified by Jane Doe #4 on Sept. 19, 1995, as the man who had approached her.
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On Aug. 2, 1996, Lambert was sentenced to 15 years to life in state prison for felonies including one count each of kidnapping for child molest, forcible lewd act upon a child, attempted lewd act upon a child, and two felony counts of lewd act upon a child.
Assistant District Attorney Rosanne Froeberg originally prosecuted this case, but it was Senior Deputy District Attorney Howard Gundy who went to Tehachapi to argue against Lambert's parole. Gundy cited 10 prison violations for failure to report, mutual combat, missing job assignments, smoking (three times), keeping an unsanitary cell and impeding a peace officer in the performance of duties.
Lambert's problems following rules, diagnosis as a pedophile and high probability of recidivism means he would pose a more serious risk being paroled back into the community than other male inmates, according to the OCDA. The parole board agreed.
Hail and farewell, Druid prince.