DEAR MEXICAN: Math problem: If there are 20 Mexicans, 20 Indians, 20 Chinese, 20 Puerto Ricans, 20 Blacks and one white person in a room, then how many people are there in the room whose identity is used as a benchmark to establish the identities of the rest of the people in the room? (Hint: not a colored person.)
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DEAR GABACHO: The 20 Mexicans—because everyone else will do everything possible to let the world know they're not Mexican as the deportation train comes along.
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OPEN LETTER TO MEXICANS AFRAID OF PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP: Gentle cabrones, fear not. Our raza has gone up against Cortés, Maximillian, Winfield Scott, Porfirio Diaz, the PRI, the narcos, Enrique Peña Nieto, Harrison Gray Otis and Harry Chandler (the founder of the Los Angeles Times and his son-in-law, who owned hundreds of thousands of acres in Mexico and published all sorts of calumny against Pancho Villa, Francisco Madero and Emiliano Zapata), Maná, the PAN, Joe Arpaio, Pete Wilson, the Salinas de Gortarís, Tlatelolco, the Pastry War, Santa Anna, Victoriano Huerta, Henry Lane Wilson, Álvaro Obregon, Plutarco Elías Calles, NAFTA, Maseca, Rick Bayless, the 1994 devaluation of the peso, the 1986 Mexico City earthquake, Arjen Robben, 7-0 versus Chile in the Copa Ámerica, Landon Donovan, Dos a Cero, Barbara Coe, Hollywood, the Texians, Taco Bell, the pinche rinches, border walls, la migra, the Zimmerman affair, femicide in Juarez, genocide against our indigenous ancestors, the pillaging of our natural resources by the Spanish, gachupines, gringos, Yanquis, Carlos Slim, Jorge Hank Rhon, the Creel-Terrazas family, José Jiménez, the Frito Bandito, "We don't need no steenkin' badges," "Go back to Mexico!," "beaner," "wetback," "illegal alien savage," "invader," los científicos, ICE, the health inspector, soyrizo, ¡Ask a Mexican!, Linda Chavez, Ruben Navarette, KFI-AM 640, FOX News, Lou Dobbs, cholos, Ask a Chola, the Mexican Mafia, vendidos, Tío Tacos, Arizona State Bill 1070, California Proposition 187, the Sensebrenner bill, the fall of Tenochtitlán, that TIME Magazine cover about "Saving Mexico," Ben Affleck playing a Chicano in Argo, Matt Damon playing a half-Mexican in The Good Shepherd, Operation Wetback, the Great Arizona Orphan Abduction, Jan Brewer, the Zoot Suit Riots, the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, the Gadsden Purchase, James K. Polk, John C. Frémont, school segregation, housing covenant, lynch mobs, Pikers, Ann Coulter, The Children of Sanchez, Robbery Under Law, the gentrification of mezcal, the Columbusing of elote, Katt Williams, Adam Carolla, the Republicans, the Democrats, capitalism, colonialism, imperialism, "Come a Little Bit Closer," John Wayne, the Dirty Sanchez, Vicente Fox, Felipe Calderón, Paul Rodriguez, the Hispanic 100, tortillas and tamales in a can, Drinko por Cinco, Televisa, Univisón, Jacobo Zabludovsky, #tacotrucksoneverycorner, and that one girlfriend who broke up with you because her parents thought you were a gang member even though you were a graduate student at UCLA at the time and working a full-time job while their itinerant daughter was mooching off her mommy and daddy, and many, many more pendejos—and have not only survived, but also thrived. Are we a bunch of whiny Trumpbros, or are we Mexicans? Pónganse las pilas, y a trabajar, banda. Oh, and #fucktrump.