TUESDAY, June 18 Jubilation breaks out at the Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim as the Mighty Ducks believe they have signed their first-round pick in the 2000 draft, left winger Alexei Smirnov. However, as so often happens to Anaheim's snakebit hockey franchise, no one read the fine print on the contract: it turns out the Quack Pack actually inked the deal with comic Yakov Smirnov. Wotta country!
In other Disney pro sports news, a bid by Bay Area lawmakers to keep the Oakland A's from being moved or eliminated includes a similar provision for our Anaheim Angels, the Oakland Tribune reports today. A measure authored by Assemblywoman Patricia Wiggins (D-Santa Rosa) calls on Dubya and Congress to protect private, public and government investments in the teams. “The cities of Oakland and Anaheim have invested too much of their money and of themselves in helping to build the A's and Angels . . . to allow their removal,” Wiggins reportedly says. The A's and Angels are apparently on rat-faced Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig's shortlist of teams to be contracted—even though both are currently kicking ass, nipping on the galoshes of the American League Western Division-leading Seattle Mariners.
Illustration by Bob Aul WEDNESDAY, June 19 Speaking of our Halos (we've apparently morphed into one of those free sports watches you get for subscribing to Sports Illustrated), faces around the Big Ed are as red as the new uniforms upon reading the T.J. Simers column in today's Los Angeles Times. You know you're the laughingstock of the national pastime when the Los Angeles Dodgers' inoffensive, schoolmarm-faced manager Jim Tracy talks smack about the Rally Monkey. Tracy reportedly says of the Dubya-faced Angel mascot, “Found the Rally Monkey's two eyes on the floor this morning when I sat down for breakfast. My three boys gave the Rally Monkey to Maggie [the family dog], and she tore that sucker up. Maggie's not a big fan of the Rally Monkey.” Tracy adds that he picked up the Rally Monkey's eyes so Maggie wouldn't choke on them. The Angels had just finished choking, losing two of three intraleague games to LA.
In Disney non-professional sports team news, the Holocaust-denying Institute for Historical Review—which used to be based in Costa Mesa before crawling under a rock in Newport Beach last time we checked—posts a “Culture War Profile” on its website (www.ihr.org). The story details how “Jew” Michael Eisner undermined the legacy left by “politically conservative . . . ardently anti-Communist . . . hard-working” Walt Disney. According to Mark Weber's article, the Disney Co. endured a period of stagnation following its founder's death in 1966. Then, during the Orwellian glow of 1984, Eisner became chairman and chief executive officer and installed “fellow Jews into top positions throughout the Disney operation, and soon Hollywood's last gentile-run studio passed into Jewish hands.” Last gentile-run studio? Harry Cohn's Columbia? Harryand Jack Warner's Warner Bros.? Louis B. Mayerand Sam Goldwyn's MGM? Adolph Zucker and Carl Laemmle's Universal? Please stop us when we hit any other studio that was run by a gentile. But we digress. Weber goes on to document how financially successful, “culturally seditious” and “anti-traditional” the Disney Co. has become under Eisner, bringing up the 1995 film Priest, which “tells the story of four Roman Catholic clergymen: one is homosexual, another in alcoholic, a third has a mistress, and the fourth is insane.” The church would pay for such portrayals these days, but once again, we digress. An example of Weber's journalistic acumen: he reports that under Eisner, Disney turned out “rock music albums loaded with gross obscenities (such as 'Insane Clown Posse' by 'The Great Malenko' 'hip hop' band).” Actually, Insane Clown Posse is the hip-hop band and The Great Malenkois the Insane Clown Posse album Disney-owned Hollywood Records refused to release before dropping the band. But why let facts get in the way? Weber concludes that today's Disney Co. is pro-gay, anti-Christian, anti-Arab and anti-white, and for that, Eisner “has been fabulously—some might say obscenely—compensated.” Yep, makes you long for the good old days under that good ol' goosestepper Uncle Walt.
THURSDAY, June 20 Leave it to the Jew Eisner Disney-owned ABC News.com to today use one of its rare positive portrayals of Christians on a group called Christians for Cannabis. The group was started four years ago by a devout Christian, 35-year-old mother of five “to provide encouragement, support and prayer for the [Christian cannabis user] subculture as a whole and those that work on its behalf.” Come to think of it, that Jesus fellow did sport long hair, a beard and sandals. And his face is on the front of rolling papers packages. And you'd have to be blazing to even try walking on water.
It took a Los Angeles County judge to do it, but reason sweeps over Orange County today when he rules that the name of OC Superior Court Judge Ronald C. Kline, who is facing child pornography and molestation charges, can be removed from the November election ballot. Because Kline's was the only name on the March primary ballot, he faced a bunch of write-in candidates yet still finished second to Dana Point attorney John Adams. With Kline mounting no campaign to keep his job, Adams wanted both their names to remain on the November run-off ballot so he could waltz to victory. If there is a God (torching a big ol' honkin' spleef), he or she will make sure the name of Costa Mesa attorney Gay Sandoval, the second-highest vote-getter among write-ins, is also on that ballot.
FRIDAY, June 21 The Institute for Historical Review's three-day, 14th annual conference kicks off. You skinheads need to check your decoder rings to discover the undisclosed Irvine location. Actually, if you're not already on ye olde Nazi roster, you had to have mailed in a $195 registration fee and filled out an application whose “likes and dislikes” section automatically screens out undesirables. You know, likes Wagner, Oktoberfest, ethnic cleansing; dislikes the NBA, the Nuremberg trials, Michael Eisner—that sort of thing. SATURDAY, June 22 Knott's Berry Farm in Buena Park unveils its newest ride, a 1950s-themed roller coaster called The Xcelerator that launches cars 80 mph in 2.3 seconds, climbing as high as 205 feet and ultimately covering more than 2,000 feet of steel track in 62 seconds. The long line at the ride's entrance is filled with assorted thrill seekers. The long line outside the ride's exit is filled with personal-injury lawyers. SUNDAY, June 23 Action star Arnold Schwarzenegger is scheduled to take a break from filming his third Terminator movie to receive a doctor of humane letters degree from Chapman University. However, as so often happens to Orange's snakebit institution of higher learning, a mix-up ensues, and the degree is actually given to comic Yakov Smirnov. Wotta country!
OC Weekly Editor-in-Chief Matt Coker has been engaging, enraging and entertaining readers of newspapers, magazines and websites for decades. He spent the first 13 years of his career in journalism at daily newspapers before “graduating” to OC Weekly in 1995 as the alternative newsweekly’s first calendar editor.