Diary of a Mad County

SATURDAY, Oct. 19 Clockwork does what we can to maintain our girlish figure, which often means taking a pass on cow and loading up on Flipper. But a San Francisco internist presents findings today that show 89 percent of Californians who pack their lunch and dinner menus with fish wind up with elevated levels of mercury in their bodies. Out of 116 patients who ate fish at least twice a week, 63 had blood mercury levels that were more than twice the recommended level. Too much mercury fries the nervous system, which means we fish lovers eventually devolve into the Rally Monkey.

SUNDAY, Oct. 20 If Britain's Royal Society of Medicine is correct, a new procedure may prove to be a boon to Newport Beach plastic surgeons and disaster for Newport Beach bistros. Screw Botox parties; the hot, new procedure is bound to be the “lunch-time boob job,” according to Professor Brian Coughlan, president of the society's plastic surgery division. Breast enhancement will be possible without implants, but with an injection that can be performed with local anesthetic within an hour. It's expected to hit the market within two years. Just think: in the time it takes to lunch at Hooters, you could be working at Hooters.

MONDAY, Oct. 21 Marina High Schoolassistant water polo coach Brian Akian is fired for allegedly videotaping the shower area of the girls' locker room. Huntington Beach Union High School District officials suspect Akian, who'd worked at the school for seven years, hid a camera behind the equipment cage. Police probe whether a crime was committed. Whoever is responsible should face at least intellectual-property theft charges from the makers of Porky's.

TUESDAY, Oct. 22 Appearing on the KUCI (FM 88.9) radio program Subversity, Democrat John Graham takes a swipe at the infamous Cox Report authored by his incumbent challenger, Congressman Christopher Cox(R-Newport Beach). Graham, a UC Irvine management professor, tells Subversityhost (and Weekly contributor) Daniel C. Tsang that the discredited report invoked the specter of a “yellow peril.” Cox certainly found it easy to suggest a Red Chinese menace was undermining this country's national security while Bill Clinton was in the White House. But times—and presidencies—change, and with George Dubya Bush entertaining Chinese President Jiang Zemin in Crawford, Texas, a Cox aide calls Tsang after the broadcast to say her boss is “real upset” at Graham's characterization and demands equal air time. On the Oct. 29 Subversity, Cox denies he's a China-basher, gay-basher, Big Tobacco stooge or corporate-fraud enabler (through the 1995 securities law he authored).

WEDNESDAY, Oct. 23 The U.S. Supreme Court rules that 1,200 disputed beach-access pathways must be open to the public. For decades, oceanfront homeowners have extended their yards onto public beaches, blocking right-of-ways with fences, shrubs and locked gates. They have then sued county and state agencies that have tried to stop the public land grabs. The Supremes essentially tell the rich fucks to stick it.

Now that we can get to the beach, it's time to do something about the water rolling up onto it. Santa Monica's Heal the Bay today releases its Beach Report Card/2002 Summer in Review, and the dirtiest beach in all of Cali from June to September was . . . drum roll . . . Doheny Beach. Craptacular! Also among the state's worst are Newport Beach at 43rd Streetand the east end of Baby Beach in Dana Point Harbor. Remember, kids: H is for Hepatitis.

THURSDAY, Oct. 24 The son of Britain's Lord Chancellor Derry Irvinewas only in America for a summer, and he's already a two-strike felon. Alastair Irvine, 25, pleads guilty today to stalking and threatening the boyfriend of an Orange County woman, garnering a 16-month prison sentence, immediate deportation upon his release, and a 10-year restraining order to keep away from the couple he terrorized. Irvine, the son of Britain's top law-enforcement officer, wound up in OC after leaving a San Diego drug rehab for cocaine addiction. For more on sons of top law-enforcement officers and cocaine, see the Anthony C. Rackauckas entry in today's “Son of Scariest” feature.

My great-great-great-great-
gramps is buried here.

FRIDAY, Oct. 25 About 75 peoplegather to protest the scheduled blessing of a 29-acre plot of land in San Juan Capistrano that's earmarked to become a private Catholic high school's athletic field, but Monsignor Paul Martin and Native American leader David Belardes, who were to conduct the ceremony, are no shows. So under dark clouds threatening to burst open, the crowd hangs around banging drums, waving placards, and sharing thoughts and prayers about the impending development on what they consider a sacred burial ground at the northwest corner of Junipero Road and the 5 freeway. The project has already been blessed by the City Council, the private school and Belardes, who the state recognizes as the leader of the Juaneo Band of Mission Indians, even though 2,500 local Juaneos do not. Damien Shilo, the chairman of the Juaneo—or Acjachemem Nation—tribal council, estimates that 180 of his people are buried beneath the field that was once the village of Putiidhem. He says swaying public opinion is the only thing that can save this “cemetery.”

SATURDAY, Oct. 26 We're flipping channels when we stop on a campaign commercial by Republican lieutenant-governor candidate Bruce McPherson in which he concedes Governor Gray Davis will be re-elected. McPherson goes on to say he should be elected “for balance.” He apparently wasn't clued in to his party nominee Bill Simonpredicting victory in a speech a couple of days earlier to the Greater Long Beach Area Chamber of Commerce.

Orton (right) with fake Elvis
and real campaign worker.

SUNDAY, Oct. 27 Democrat Bill Orton, who wants the Assembly seat held by Tom Harman (R-Huntington Beach), canvasses the Seal Beach Trailer Park with an Elvis impersonator. It's not a long walk for Orton as he resides here.

Do you believe in Barry-Boned, Travolta-and-his-exposed-love-handles-bouncing-frighteningly-close-to Michael Eisner'd, Bud Selig-and-Jackie Autry-still-calling-'em-California Angels'd miracles? The Anaheim Angels win the World Series, their first in the franchise's 41-year history. Like a lot of you, this sports watch hopped aboard the bandwagon late this season. Unlike a lot of you, we also battered this team in print. In the spirit of fair play, we have clipped every smart-ass item we've written about the Halos this season—like this Jan. 2 item on their new red uniforms: “Several theories abound as to why the Angels have chosen to paint the suburbs red. It could just be the color that naturally came to mind when they thought about franchise profit-and-loss statements. Or they could have noticed the shade of fans' faces after yet another blown lead. Or maybe they're taking a cue from the 'Big Red Machine' Cincinnati Reds of the 1970s—only in the Angels' case, it'll be the 'Little Red Wind-Up Rally Monkey.'” Then there was this (March 31): “Stop the bleeding already: our all-new, all-red Anaheim Angels drop their season opener to the Cleveland Indians.” And this (April 1): “What's really sad is [Tawny] Kitaen hit [Chuck] Finley more often than the Angels, who have gotten just five hits off their former ace since trading him before the 2001 season.” And this (May 7): “About 15 baseball fans are injured during a mad rush out the Edison Field exits. . . . That'll never happen going into an Angels game.'” We chopped those clippings into bite-size pieces and, as you read this, are whoofing them with relish—and mustard and catsup! Despite potential ink poisoning, we're psyched over our new heroes—until they suck again, of course.

Daniel C. Tsang contributed to this week's report.