MONDAY, May 12: Troy High in Fullerton wins its fifth National Science Olympiad in eight years—pending drug-test results, of course—over the weekend. TV and newspaper pictures show the victorious Trojans returning to cheering crowds as if they were gods. Clearly, as we suspected, Troy has become a factory: these kids receive special treatment just because they get good grades, work hard and are "smart." A word of advice to the kids: A lot of people are probably filling your head with getting into a good school with your hefty GPA and all, but where will those people be when your brains can't take you any farther—say 60 years from now, after you've retired from Princeton University and won your second Nobel? Two words: Robert Oppenheimer. Two more: Ted Kaczynski. . . . Everyone's favorite unwitting cruise ship terrorist, Kelley Marie Fergusonof Laguna Hills, pleads not guilty of planting threatening notes on a ship bound for Hawaii. Her family has refused to post bail because they're afraid Kelley, who says she wanted to get off the ship to be with her boyfriend, will skip. That must be some man she was pining for. Turns out he is, with not one, but two sets of names. One, Joshua Brashear is for a-courtin', while the other, Joshua Jason Trybula, is for getting popped on cocaine possession and doing 90 days in the Orange County Jail. Ah, young, fucked-up, love.
TUESDAY, May 13: A week after Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Carlsbad) announces he's going to spend half a million dollars to jumpstart a recall of Gov. Gray Davis that would cost the state millions it doesn't have, a man named Eric Bever gives up a chance at a seat on the Costa Mesa City Council because he thinks the $100,000 needed for a special election could be better spent on the citizens of Costa Mesa. Bever says he's surprised at being inundated with phone calls congratulating him for his selflessness. "I guess in these times people have difficulty giving to the greater good, and that's what I was doing," Bever tells the Weekly. "So maybe that's why it was a shocker." Still, no matter how Bever downplays it, this was the bravest thing he's done since going through high school without changing his name. . . . Pulling one of the all-nighters for which the city is famous, the Newport Beach City Council votes to limit Independence Day reveling. About 100,000 people head to west Newport for July Fourth, many of them—we're talking to the Weekly staff, here—drunk and disorderly. So this year citations for such time-honored traditions as riding a bike blitzed and urinating on church steps—Anthony— will be tripled in west Newport or, as it is now known, Nazi Germany. . . . Thank heavens someone of conviction steps in when governments attempt to limit the inalienable right of people to pee when and where they please. Dennis Rodman, who turns 42 today, announces that he's just gotten married to longtime girlfriend Michelle Moyer. The couple, who have two kids together, are hitched in a private ceremony, but Rodman says the "real wedding" will take place on the second Saturday of June in front of his house. "Everybody's invited," he said. "We will have a ceremony and a concert, too!" He also announces that he and his wife will maintain separate residences. A true freedom fighter.
Photo by David Kawashima WEDNESDAY, May 14: So this is why they call it Hump Day: On the same day Cal Poly professors fight off an effort to stop them from viewing Internet sex sites on state-owned computers, a faction of Santa Ana students and parents unsuccessfully lobbies for an abstinence-only sex education curriculum. A mother of three says she doesn't want her kids "exposed to sex," which she should have thought about before she had the three kids. Abstinence proponents are alarmed at Santa Ana's high teen pregnancy rate—more than 3,000 teen births in 2000. I suggest they push the time-honed curriculum of being short, having crooked teeth and being known as "Steve, I don't like you like you that way." . . . Speaking of abstinence—the absence thereof—word comes today that Irvine Co. Jefe Don Bren is being sued for fraud and breach of contract by Jennifer Gold. Bren acknowledges that he's had two children with Gold—a daughter 15 and a son 11. (Bren has another 11-year-old with yet another woman, suggesting that 1992, a bad year for real estate, was a very good year for earth movers.) Gold says Bren has not paid as much child support as he should when he promised to support the children financially in a "manner and an amount commensurate with his wealth." Considering he's worth $4 bil that means the kids should at least have some nice bunk beds—on their aircraft carrier, moored off their private island. Bren, who hasn't had any contact with his children for 10 years, said through company spokesman Larry Thomas that he has "fulfilled every child support obligation" except the part where he sees his children. Don: Hope your money keeps you warm at night.
THURSDAY, May 15: More cruise ship fun. Remember that Kelley Marie Ferguson's boyfriend had two names? Now he has a third: Daddy! Yes, Kelley announces in court today that not only is she changing her plea to guilty, but that she's pregnant! Fox TV immediately enters into negotiations with Shannen Doherty. . . . Arturo Moreno is officially approved by Major League owners and takes over control of your Anaheim Angels. Moreno announces there will be no changes made to the defending world champions. Fans, who've endured periwinkle uniforms, teddy-bear mascots and geysers in center field, rejoice for hands-off ownership. . . . The Angels lose 10-4 to the New York Yankees and sink further in the division. Fans despair of do-nothing ownership.
FRIDAY, May 16: What I don't understand about George W. Bush filing for reelection today is that to file for reelection, don't you first have to be elected (I refer to the fact that the President of the United States, currently waging wars and limiting civil liberties, actually lost the last election. You see the humor, of course.) . . . On the same day, Rep. Doug Ose (R-Sacramento), the GOP's top contender to go against Sen. Barbara Boxer, announces he won't run against Boxer because, like Vijay Singh, he doesn't like having his ass handed to him by a woman. . . . The Lincoln Clubof Orange County announces it will give $100,000 to the Gray Davis recall effort. If you can't beat 'em. . . . The Mighty Ducks defeat the Minnesota Wild to advance to the Stanley Cup Finals. Thousands of monkeys soar from the red butts of bitter LA Kings fans.
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SATURDAY, May 17: Robert "Fists Don't Fail Me Now" Schuller unveils his $40 million International Center for Possibility Thinking and takes the opportunity to rip the homeowners who grudgingly gave up their homes to make it possible. "Each of them knew I wanted their home," he said of the homeowners, adding that they were not "immune from greed." Imagine those people not just abandoning their homes right away for next to nothing because Schuller "wanted" it. What other reason did they need, the godless bastards. And if there's anyone qualified to talk about greed, it's Schuller who charges 100 bucks for a carnival-quality butterfly necklace on his website. He also gets 30 bucks for an angel statue and so much more. The possibilities, if not endless, are worth at least $40 million.