Diary of a Mad County

MONDAY, July 14 Apparently George W. Bush isn't the only person not checking what he's saying these days. After a second person is found to have been injured on a ride at the Orange County Fair, fair general manager Becky Bailey-Findley explains she didn't alert the press because "We don't issue a press release every time there's an accident." Of course, that may be because fair officials are more macho than the rest of us. In a report to state officials, they classified the injury that befell Traci Tomack of Northridge—smacked in the mouth by a 6-inch pin as she rode the "Booster"—as "minor" though it required 25 stitches.

TUESDAY, July 15 Kudos to Angels manager Mike Scioscia. After his American League squad came back to beat the National League, 7-6, in tonight's Major League Baseball All-Star game, he's asked by Fox's Kevin Kennedy how happy he was the victory ensured home-field advantage for the American League in the World Series—a gimmick Fox imposed on the game and hawked mercilessly in hopes of higher ratings. "I feel it's not so much getting home-field advantage as how you're playing at the time," said Scioscia, Kennedy turning a whiter shade of pale. "We went through two series without home-field advantage, losing the first two games on the road, and ended up getting to the World Series." At which point Kennedy looked like he might suffer, happily, a stroke. Seeing as much, Scioscia said, "But when it's all said and done, yeah." Kennedy laughed and patted Scioscia's back, saying "Nice job, Mike." . . . The All-Star Game wasn't tops on my to-watch list tonight. For me the Big Game was Bravo's Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, which I've been looking forward to for weeks. It's another in the expanding pool of makeover shows that promise to change the way we look, dress, eat, decorate, etc., so many makeover shows to either suggest Americans are the world's most optimistic people or its most miserable. Queer Eye kind of incorporates all of the aforementioned as five gay men, each a specialist in one of the makeover disciplines—fashion, grooming, decorating, etc.—take some presumably straight schlub and show him how to live with style. This is of special interest to me because, and I don't mean to brag, but I've been mistaken for gay a good part of my life, especially when I lived in Long Beach—big shout out to my peeps at Ripples! In fact, I've always taken more pride in getting hit on by guys since, as Queer Eye suggests, gay men tend to be more discriminating, whereas women, as any evening at Pierce Street Annex suggests, will hook up with just about anything in Dockers. Anyway, the show was terrific and I did learn a few things, two of the most important being that you should always put product in your hair starting at the back and that you should always refer to hair gel as "product." All in all a wonderful show that inspired me to be the best gay man I am not.

WEDNESDAY, July 16 I dunno, you?

THURSDAY, July 17 Johnnie Crean,CEO of the Army and Navy Academy in Carlsbad, resigns his post, settling a five-month-old lawsuit filed by parents and alumni of the military boarding school that accused Crean of reckless behavior, which really isn't a stretch because this is the same Johnnie Crean who carried a loaded Glockinto Orange County Superior Court. This begs the question: Who the hell puts their kid in a military school? What are we, keepin' up with the Hapsburgs? Geez, military school. I thought that was just something my mom made up to scare me, you know, like a Sandinista invasion, killer bees and purgatory. OK, so, military school. Crean, the son of Santa Ana HeightsRV mogul John Crean, banned adult chaperones from the barracks and soon after that a 17-year-old cadet was severely beaten with broom handles. What an outrage: violence at a military school. I hope they took away those kids' artillery privileges. Crean was also accused of sexual harassment by a female employee who said that, over a seven-year period, Johnnie stared at her breasts, asked non-job-related questions about her marital and child-bearing status, suggested she had slept with the academy president to keep her job, suggested she sleep with an academy board member to keep her job and humiliated her by standing behind her and blurting out publicly that her ass could boost enrollment. (Yes, Crean was once a Republican candidate for Congress.) So,Crean is out, and taking his place is General Stephen M. Bliss. You may remember General Bliss and his Ken Kesey "happening" counterparts, Major Bummer, Captain Beefheart and Staff Sergeant I Think Janis Joplin Gave Me the Clap.

FRIDAY, July 18 You gotta feel for Lou Sheldon. The head of the Traditional Values Coalition has been doing the Republicans' dirty work for years, acting completely nuts with his hatred for Democrats, gays and—well that's about it—to shore up the critical paranoid/hateful/ignorant/Texas vote so key to GOP success. He didn't do it alone, of course, employing demented Sheldon spawn Andrea, who once accused scientists of breeding a race of "monkey-humans," as if that was a bad thing. And what do the Sheldons get for their troubles? Today, the Washington Post reports that Representative Joseph Pitts (R-Pennsylvania) has sent them a nasty letter chastising them for chastising Republican congressmen whom the pair deemed soft on the abortion issue. Pitts says Sheldon's conduct has "infuriated the pro-life movement," and adds, "your willingness to attack Members of Congress whom you should regard as friends without so much as a warning is offensive. The spurious nature of the claims . . . shows a lack of regard for the truth." Funny, but I don't remember any conservative congressman writing Lou any nasty letters when he was spuriously attacking the president of the United States or calling for the quarantine of AIDS patients or saying Tom Daschle's "loyalty to the Sodomy Lobbyis becoming more and more obvious to those of us on the Hill." Pitts was also pissed that Sheldon wouldn't return his calls, which I find hard to believe, because I've never had any trouble getting in touch with Lou and have sat enraptured as he regaled me with tales of gay porno, gay newspapers where you can procure blow jobs as well as necrophilia, urophilia, klismaphilia (sexual pleasure from enemas), and coprophagia (sexual gratification from eating feces). I'd feel a lot worse for Lou if I hadn't just come upon this piece regarding Queer Eyeon his website: "Perhaps Bravo should consider airing a series called 'AIDS Hospice,' featuring homosexual men who are in various stages of dying from this wasting disease as a result of engaging in anal intercourse with numerous sexual partners. This would far more accurately portray the end results of homosexual sodomy." Screw him.

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