Diary of a Mad County

Courtesy Six FlagsWednesday, April 27: Numbers just released by the JusticeDepartmentshow that the amount of secretcourt-authorizedwiretapssurged by 19 percent across the country, while, locally, the number of assistant sheriffs showing off naked pictures of their girlfriends/sisters-in-law held steady at 1. A whopping 1,710 wiretaps were requested last year, with judges turning down a whopping none, and that doesn't even take into account the 1,754 wiretaps that were requested for terrorists, national-security threats and the shriveled-penis guy who dances on the MagicMountaincommercials. Civil libertarians are up in arms about this, while, locally, former assistant sheriffs have their pictures . . . and their memories . . . aaahhhh,lesimagesnuesdemasoeur-dans-lw...

Thursday, April 28: One thing not surging is Arnold Schwarzenegger. The governor's popularity? He dead. Schwarzenegger's poll numbers, which seemed in a permanent state of rising, especially when he intimated opponents were effeminate homosexuals, have slipped below 50 percent, most likely because he made the grave mistake of actually trying to do things, you know, besides intimating that opponents were effeminate homosexuals. Summing up, since coming into office, Schwarzenegger has proposed cutting benefits to the disabled, screwing with Native Americans, slaughtering dogs and cats, and messing with the pensions of such unpopular government employees as police officers and firefighters. Who's advising this guy? The shriveled-penis guy on the Magic Mountain commercials? Susan Estrich? Schwarzenegger's administration officially went into panic mode today when he called into a local radio show and started bashing illegal immigrants. Mr. "I'm Not Like the Other Politicians" suddenly became like every other Republican who ever held state office, getting so caught up in the thing that he called out UptonSinclairas a Socialist and effeminate homosexual. Yes, Mr. "Not the Ordinary Politician" stole a page from the PeteWilsonplaybook, and you don't get any more ordinary than Pete Wilson, the most extraordinarily ordinary California politician ever. While on the radio, Schwarzenegger said he admired the work done by the Minutemenat the U.S.-Mexico border, and why wouldn't he? A report on the website of the SouthernPovertyLawCentersays the Minutemen, described by co-organizer JimGilchristin USATodayas "white Martin Luther Kings" have been infiltrated by neo-Nazis and white supremacists, a fact that met with enough shock and astonishment to knock a person over with a smoldering cross. The SPLC website reports that as early as April 2, two members of the Phoenix chapter of the National Alliance, "the largest neo-Nazi group in America," were among the Minutemen holding signs depicting invading armies from Mexico, signs identical to National Alliance billboards and pamphlets. Still, the Alliance boys had the good sense to keep a low profile: "We're not going to show up as a group and say, 'Hi, we're the National Alliance," Alliance official ShaunWalkertold a reporter. "But we have members . . . that will participate." And the thing is it's not like they stood out in the crowd. At all. The SPLC also identified JoeMcCutchenas being part of the party. They found him in a flak jacket and packing a .38-caliber snub-nosed revolver. McCutchen is the recently appointed chairman of Protect Arkansas Now. The white-supremacist Council of Conservative Citizenssaid McCutchen was a member in 2001, something McCutchen denied by pointing to a speech he gave in 2001 in which he invoked the thoughts of Dr. King by describing blacks as "a retrograde species of humanity," you know, like effeminate homosexuals.

Friday, April 29: Need to write stuff down.

Saturday, April 30: News comes that Gordon Shaw, the UCIrvinephysicist whose oft-quoted study showed that listening to Mozartraises a person's IQ, has died. Shaw, who was 72, gained national attention in 1993 when he reported that a group of college students who listened to Mozart's "Sonata for Two Pianos in D Major" saw their IQs increase substantially, though temporarily, usually falling when the students started doing bong hits or reading anything by Donald Barthelme. Shaw's study had an enormous effect on young parents who went out and bought Mozart CDs by the bucketsful for their children to listen to. Alas, Shaw's warning that the music's effects were temporary have been borne out as I have just discovered my son has once again been on my computer playing "InternetCheckers." JAAAAAAAAACK!

Sunday, May 1: A billboard in Fullerton for Spanish-language TV station KRCAthat reads "Los Angeles, CA," but had the "CA" crossed out and replaced with "Mexico" was customized when someone climbed the billboard and put an American flag over "Mexico." I have no idea who put the flag there—though, I have a pretty good idea; I think we all do—but, seriously, what the hell is KRCA thinking? Under present conditions to put a billboard like that in Orange County is just stupid and self-destructive. Who's advising these people? Susan Estrich? What am I saying? Of course it's Susan Estrich.

Monday, May 2: The University of Oklahomaaccepts the resignation of its baseball coach, Larry Cochell, today. Cochell, who previously coached at Cal State Fullerton, won a national championship at Oklahoma and is the eighth-winningest Division I baseball coach of all time, but he was shown the door after using a racial epithet when describing one of his players, Joe Dunigan III, who is African-American. Cochell said, "There are honkies and white people, and there are niggers and black people. Dunigan is a good black kid. There's no nigger in him." Do tell. Though he was let go, people fell all over themselves to say what a great guy Cochell is. School president DavidBorensaid, "A good and caring man has made a terrible mistake." Yeah, okay, except he made the mistake TWICE.Cochell made the remarks in two separate interviews with ESPNbaseball broadcasters, off camera. Cochell said that he had "never in my life used that kind of language. It was a phrase I heard a long time ago, and it just came out." Okay, I don't want to call Larry Cochell a liar, but he's lying. No one just one day starts using the word nigger who hasn't been using it much of their life. In fact, it wasn't like the word just seeped out. Go back and read his full comment, and you can see that a lot of "thought" went into that craziness, which, in a way, makes Larry Cochell a white Louis Farrakhan. Look, I've been on enough golf courses to know what happened here. This is a little phenomenon called "Hey, we're all white guys here." See, when white guys get together in a thoroughly white environment, they sometimes feel empowered to say what "we're all really thinking." Whether it's about blacks, women, gays; they feel empowered to use language that isn't "politically correct," you know, like dyke and nigger. As I said, these havens include but are not limited to golf courses, and can also found at new and used car lots, bars, sports bars, strip bars, service-organization luncheons, weddings, funerals, boardrooms, mailrooms, that area right of the reception area where you can check out Marcy without her knowing it, restrooms, Arnold Schwarzenegger rallies, civilian border patrols, and areas near, directly under and on Fullerton billboards.

Tuesday, May 3: Ah,j'ai rienn'crireicimaispeut-tresij'criscecienfranaisvoussereztropstupidepourremarquer.Stupide,stupidenon-franaisparlantnon-noticer.


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