Diary of a Mad County
Photo by Jack GouldWednesday, July 6
A glorious day, a wonderful day, has there ever been such a day? You there, boy! What day is it? Why,Wednesday,July6,youoldpoof.An exceptional boy, a remarkable boy! Now, tell me, who are they saying is going to run for ChristopherCox'scongressional seat? Why,Bob Dornan, youloose-wristedlapmonkey.Then it wasn't a dream! It's true! See, I don't know what business you're in—mutual funds, ballistic missiles, sorghum—but I can tell you that if you're in the alternative news weekly game in Orange County, news that Bob Dornan is stepping back into the political ring is like getting every gift you ever wanted on Christmas and then finding out all you ever really wanted was oralsex.Yeah, thatgood. Bob Dornan is the craziest, funniest, weirdest, strangest, sickest, bestest person we have ever covered, and we cover guys who believe Albertsonsis plotting to get them. On this, our 10th anniversary year, I still believe the best thing that has ever appeared in our paper is Scott Moxley's "White Trash Disco" (Nov. 6, 1998), an account of Dornan's second loss to LorettaSanchezthat reads like Babbittmeets Cuckoo'sNestmeets Jerry Springer:
"About 15 minutes into his 'six or seven minute' speech, the blotchy-faced Dornan paused for effect. He firmly gripped the podium with both hands. His blue eyes darted from side to side, soaking in the attention. 'I'm going to be Bob Dornan unfettered tonight—a man of truth,' Dornan said. 'A fog of evil has rolled across our country.' He then bitterly noted that he had 'busted' his 'chops' for an ungrateful Latino community. But there was more blame to go around. Why did Dornan believe he lost? Because of Republican Party interference, 'we didn't have time to get our message out,' said the man who spent 18 years as a congressman."
Good stuff. Great stuff. And apparently you agree. We don't do a lot of market research—if we did, how could we possibly have thought a sports section was a good idea?—but the little we do told us one thing: the Weeklyflies off the rack the fastest when either MickeyMouseor Bob Dornan is on the cover. True, completely true. And really, when you think about it, it's not that surprising since, like Mickey, Dornan is a beloved cartooncharacter,though, unlike Mickey, Dornan is actually funny. We've even fantasized around the office about what kind of panic there would be if we put Dornan on the cover wearing Mickey Mouse ears and a bikini. God bless us, every one.
Thursday, July 7
Got an e-mail today that said Dornan is thinking of running as an AmericanIndependenteven though many American Independents don't want him. Dornan could always go back to the Republicans, who would wholeheartedly embrace him, at least if you listen to county Republican leader ScottBaugh,who gushed: "It appears [Dornan's] becoming a serial candidate. Abandoning the Republican Party won't make Republicans want to vote for him." Touching. What makes this even better is that JimRogan,who is like Dornan, only younger, and with a hairpiece, may get into the race also. Is this great or what? C'mon, this could be the best campaign ever. How about all the participants agree right now only to speak ill of each other, freely intimating homosexuality and/or ties to the CommunistParty,and instead of debates we'll have a complicated game that encompasses paintball,Survivorand some sort of naked initiation ritual involving the corpseof Ronald Reagan.
Friday, July 8
Folks from the office keep sending me articles about the sale of KOCE,but, really, does anyone care? It's not like we're talking about a channel anyone actually watches, like ESPN or the BackyardLawnSprinklerAttachmentNetwork.If KOCE goes away, the only people who will be disappointed are the relics who watch it now, since KOCE's programming—Lawrence Welk,RealOrange,the broadcast equivalent of lithium—is geared toward those who predate dating, and I'm talking actual dating, like "today is July 8" and so on.
Saturday, July 9
As happens every tired year, a bunch of broadcast and print reporters show up at Laguna Niguel's MugsAwaySaloonto chronicle the annual mooning of passing trains, a tradition that started 26 years ago, and, coincidentally, some of the Amtrak trains that pass today actually left the station 26 years ago. Anyway, it's a pretty tired and played-out story, so we expect RealOrangewas doing around-the-clock coverage. Still, it's always fun to see how mainstream reporters handle the thing. Given that we live in a world where one exposed boobbrought broadcast entities to their knees, mainstream writers have to write about a bunch of drunks dropping trou and make it seem wholesome and never use the word "ass." This year, the Registersent Italian girl MaryAnnMilbourn(I have never met Ms. Milbourn in my life) who tried to get around things by using words such as "bare assets,""moon" and "buns" but quickly degenerated into such base parlance as "cocktail," "hot rod" and, most disgusting, "eat yourheartout."
Sunday, July 10
What do you think Bob Dornan is doing today? Accusing the crosswordpuzzleof treason? Me too.
Monday, July 11
Had the TV on while I was getting ready for work this morning, and, since I couldn't find the remote control, the only thing I could watch was The Larry Elder Show—The Larry Elder Show being one of those programs one must offer a explanation with, as in, "I had just been shot in the spine and as I lay on the ground, totally immobile, I saw that Maury Povich was featuring 'Enormous BabiesParade.'" Anyway, on TheLarryElderShow—which I could not get out of watching, well, I could if I turned off the TV, but, c'mon—he had on ShaunaFleming,the Orange County high school kid who organized an effort to send more than a million letters to kids not much older than herself, currently serving in Iraq. Good kid. Great kid. Anyway, she mentioned that she's also helping to send care packages over to the troops and the number one thing the soldiers are asking for is sunscreen.Think about that. Sunscreen.The best-equipped military on earth goes to fight a war in the desert and doesn't bring enough sunscreen? Reminded me of that scene in Pattonwhere Patton says he knows the Germans are beat because they're using carts to haul their dead. My God, we're asking high school kids to provide the basic necessities for our troops? Everyone's been asked to support our troops. Is it too much to ask that the administration that sent them pitch in also?
Tuesday, July 11
As disturbing as the sunscreen thing was, I'm a bit comforted today. I called TheLarryElderShowto get a little more information about Shauna's appearance. "Tyra Banks Show," a woman answered. "Oh," I said. "I was trying to get in touch with TheLarryElderShowand this was the number given." "Oh, TheLarryElderShowhas been canceled." So some good came of this.
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