Crank Yankers

Photo by Keith MayAll homework and no play can make Jack and Jill horny as hell, and while college is fertile ground for couples of all persuasions to hook-up, experiment and exchange precious bodily fluids, there comes a time when all good men and women must take care of bidness . . . ahem . . . alone.

Sure, that's why God invented the Internet. After a few keystrokes, you can feast your eyes on nekkid people bent into unnatural positions like life-sized Gumbys. But getting to rocks-offable stuff takes something many young people just don't have: credit card numbers. And who wants the bill from showing up on daddy's monthly statement? He'll cut you off quicker than his wild nose hairs.

Besides, unless you're one of those uppity UC Irvine kids who can afford a wireless laptop—and a laptop dance, ba-dum bump!—it's not like you can take your computer with you into the Reading Room (i.e. john). And remember: it takes two hands to type.

No, there are reasons why print is still not dead. An old editor once told me that as long as there are restrooms, there will be newspapers. I would amend that to add smut.

Of course, before you turned 18, it would have been morally wrong for us to steer you to purveyors of porn. It also would have been illegal for said purveyors to sell you their stuff. Now that the age of innocence is over—deal!—you likely need help when it comes to scoring dirty magazines. Students from out of the area could also probably benefit from knowing where the sweet stuff is.

Fortunately, centrally located to all Orange County campuses of higher-burning sensations is the infamous "T-Zone." Conservative OC's very own red-light district begins at Beach Boulevard just north of Katella, jiggles south about four miles and then shoots its wad off west and east down Garden Grove Boulevard to form a giant "T" (viewable only from the Space Shuttle).

This seven-square-mile bastion of bad taste—encompassing bits of Stanton, Garden Grove and Westminster—features adult bookstores, movie arcades, novelty shops, topless clubs, all-nude theaters and lingerie bars. It's what frat boys exotically refer to as "heaven."

Not to give any of you out-of-towners the wrong idea, but these businesses are generally scattered throughout the T-Zone and surrounded by your auto shops, taco shops and bail bonds shops. However, for concentrated horn-doggedness, within the T-Zone is a plethora of smut shops along a one-mile stretch of Garden Grove Boulevard in Garden Grove.

The best of all the bookstores here is Hip Pocket Adult Books, which not only boasts an impressive selection but also is generally on the cheap side. You collegians will appreciate that because it means you'll still have money left over for booze and pot.

There is another way to find porn that does not involve driving around aimlessly along the mean streets of Garbage Grove. Just turn to the back pages of the Weekly—before Commie Girl and the personal ads, beginning with the last pages of Calendar. No, we're not trying to pass off the photos of scantily clad women in the adult advertisements as actual porn (though enemies of this paper have forever tried; in real life, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue gets you off quicker). Some ads back there are for shops that include dirty mags. Besides featuring an extremely large and varied collection of porn, Spanky's is the place to go for what their ad calls "Back to School Spanky's Active Wear." That would be their colorful T-shirts featuring Spanky polishing the rocket, spanking the monkey or choking the chicken. Besides being a hoot, they're priced within a college student's budget: a measly 10 bucks each. Slip one on, sashay through the quad and instantly become the coolest on campus. Just make sure to cover up before walking into any Women's Studies classes.

Lit majors who are less into fleshy photography than the written word will be pleased to know Erogenous Zone—conveniently located in the same town as Fullerton College and Cal State Fullerton—features a large selection of erotic books.

Nighty's & Naughty's—just up Harbor Boulevard from Whittier Law School—constantly re-stocks its shelves with fetish magazines and catalogs.

There are no porn outlets for all you college students south of the 55 freeway as there are no adult bookstores in that end of the county. But remember: while many of you are not yet old enough to buy the title product at liquor stores, you are old enough to purchase nudie magazines at such establishments. Some offer a wide variety and remain open late. Just be aware of the political incorrectness that ensues when you plop a copy of Asian Hardcore on the counter for an Asian woman to ring up.

When it comes to discreetly shopping for porn in liquor-store settings, one of the best places is located just up Bristol Street from the Lab anti-mall (four short miles from UCI!). An obscure nook in Sir Charles Liquor features a great selection of smutty mags and newspapers. Have a latte across the street at the Gypsy Den, shop for your significant other's birthday at Urban Outfitters, then pop over to Sir Charles Liquor to shop for yourself.

Until then, you poor South County saps are just going to have to continue beating off to Mama's Family reruns.


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