Coastal Access Ahoy!

Surf's up, and you need coastal access. Follow these simple steps, and you will be either shot or shooting the curl with the best of them.

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1. Eat your ibuprofen like vitamins to ward off last night's hangover, and use coffee to get it in your system faster. Throw an energy drink on top of that, and you should be ready for the freeway nearest you.

2. Freeways blow. You will undoubtedly hit traffic, but there are ways around the freeway. Hazard lights and a shoulder lane. Late merges. Use exits that also have entrances to catapult yourself farther.

3. After leaving the freeway, you need to weasel through street and neighborhood traffic. Using the horn is for wimps; disregard most life forms at this point, as they will only slow you down. Yoga moms, dogs, rogue walking surfers, skateboarders and pedestrians have the right of way, but the common fear of dying will move them along.

4. Same as Point No. 2. Throw on those trusty hazards and go to the front of the line. Feign car trouble. As always when cutting in line, look for someone weaker just in case it comes to blows. Families typically scare easier. Avoid large pickup trucks with MMA stickers.

5. Find your parking meter, and be sure to put in plenty of quarters so as to avoid receiving a ticket.

6. the last obstacle: the sea of people at the Beach on Memorial Day weekend. Grab your board, wetsuit and a large bag of potato chips. Liberally empty the contents of the bag onto the happy beach-goers. This will result in confusion and, eventually, birds. Seagulls love potato chips, and people hate seagulls. As the beach people seek bird-free real estate, make your big move and hit the water. You have now officially gained coastal access. Wa patttttt. Suh baaah!


This article appeared in print as "How to Guarantee a Surf Spot on Memorial Day Weekend."


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