California Voter Information Guide

Dear Voter,

Welcome to California's first primary election of the new millennium! It rocks hard! Thanks to legislation enacted in 1998 moving the election up three months, we are now able to use more exclamation points than in any previous state document ever! And, if I may borrow a direct quote from Secretary of State Bill Jones in that "other" California Voter Information Guide, "We urge you to please take the time to read each measure carefully before going to the polls." Thanks for the heads up, Bill, to which we can only add, let's all try not to drool on our ballots.

Proposition 1A. Gaming on Tribal Lands. Argument in Favor of Prop. 1A.

Indian gaming has brought work, hope and self-reliance to the reservations, not to mention the opportunity to fuck whitey for the next couple of centuries with Vegas-style gambling. C'mon, guys, fair is fair. You did us; now we do you.

Win A. Camero Tribal Chairman, Pachinko Indians Argument Against Prop. 1A.

Haven't we all seen those movies where people move into a home atop an Indian burial ground? Bad, scary things happen to you. And now they want to build casinos on them? Horrible Manitou reach up through slot and pull you to smelly underworld! Vote No!

Steve Plesu Barstow Gas Station Owner Propositions 12, 13, 14.

Oh, who cares about breathable air, drinkable water and literacy? Let's get on to that important stuff about fags and Crips.

Proposition 15. Crime Laboratories Construction Bond Act. Argument in Favor of Prop. 15.

Many citizens are still walking around free as a bird, but $337 million for new crime labs can help change that, giving prosecutors a powerful tool to prevail in all cases except ones where the defense attorney can rhyme. And you can rest easy knowing it's a one-way street to prison: as a recent PBS special showed, convicts proved innocent by DNA evidence still rot in jail because prosecutors, courts and politicians don't want justice any more than we do. Just line up and be patient. Your day in court will come.

Tomas de Torquewrench Inquisitor General Argument Against Prop. 15.

That's not a very nice way to talk.

Perry Mammoth Attorney Propositions 16, 17. Veterans and charities.

Isn't Norm on tonight?

Proposition 18. Extending the Death Penalty to Persons Who Would Murder You If They Weren't So Clumsy. Argument in Favor of Prop. 18.

Vote for this or I will beat the crap out of you, and then kill you, and then kill myself so I can beat the crap out of you again in the afterlife. If you think I'm kidding, I dare you to look up when you're in the voting booth. I'll be there in the rafters, waiting to drop on you like a ton of Ed Meese.

Jughead Californians Seething for Eternal Vengeance Argument Against Prop. 18.

Hey, no argument here, pal.

Archie Citizens Against Citizens Proposition 21. Gives Youths 14 and Older a New Learning Tool: The Gas Chamber. Increases Penalties for Gang Activity. Argument in Favor of Prop. 21.

Gives Hispanic, black and Asian kids the hard time they deserve. Crime has been dropping for years. We need to fill our prisons somehow. Why not with kids? Judges can already try them as adults; let's let prosecutors in on the fun. This law makes it illegal to even be associated with a gang, and it takes the special sort of discernment prosecutors have to make these determinations. If stealing, killing, maiming, dealing drugs, perjury and threatening witnesses was all it took to be a gang member, then some less savvy do-gooder might mistake the Rampart Division for a gang. But our law-enforcement officials know who the "bad eggs" are—and well before they're 14. Hell, if we weren't so opposed to abortion, we could even go in and kill them in the womb. Let's make California safe for Californians again.

Mike T. White Citizens Suffused With Hatred Argument Against Prop. 21.

Sorry, I have to go save marriage.

Mr. and Mrs. California Proposition 22. Recognizes Only Marriage Between a Man and Woman As Legal. Argument in Favor of Prop. 22.

Under existing California law, if Utah were to sanction gay marriage and a couple moved here, California would have to recognize that marriage and everyone presently in committed heterosexual marriages would suddenly leave home and start sucking off ponies or something. Prop. 22, the Knight Initiative, closes this dangerous loophole. It's only common sense. When mankind was created, it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and His-Own-Rib-Dressed-up-to-Look-Like-a-Chick-Except-I-Guess-It-Was-and-Doesn't-That-Mean-That-All-Heterosexual-Coitus-Is-Really-Gay-Transvestite-Onanism? No, that's not what I meant. We all know that homosexuality is a perverse disease that will only find more victims if the conditions that foster it are permitted to fester. Look at the places in which homosexuality has sprouted: Pete Knight's family, Newt Gingrich's, Sony Bono's, Michael Huffington's; the list goes on. The only answer is to ban all Republican marriage today! No, that's not what I meant, either. You know what I mean. That's why you have that sign on your lawn. Won't you join me in letting the substantive issues go to hell while we promote this symbolic act of exclusion?

Adolph Hofner Californians Practically Gibbering with Hatred Argument Against Prop. 22.

Why is it that the "sin" of homosexuality in the Bible is way down there with "cut not thy top knot" and "theft of thine cable services," while "Thou shalt not kill" and adultery is up at the top and you never get worked up about them, huh? Heterosexuals should have lost the right to "protect marriage" when the divorce rate went above 50 percent. Give it to possums: they mate for life.

Madge IstrateOpossum Emporium Rebuttal to the Argument Against Prop. 22.

Hey, who wants to marry a millionaire??!!! C'mere honey! Yeee-hah!!! Ah'm loaded and you're stacked, let's get together and make a pact! Don't you mess with this sanctity! Can't touch it, no, no! Tell 'im, Hammer!

Lovemoore Chattel Californians for Managed Pussy

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