BOTTOM OF THE MAILBAG
There's correspondence we'd never consider printing in a thousand years . . . except for the last issue of the millennium.
Editor's note: The following submission included photocopies of a biography that noted the Reverend Robert Schuller received the Horatio Alger Award in 1989 and passages from books that alleged Alger, a noted 19th-century novelist, repeatedly had sex with boys:
Mr. [Robert] Schuller—Mr. Name Dropper—is so proud of whom he knows and his awards. I gave Mr. Schuller a copy of this last year at his Men's Conference of Horatio Alger Winners at the Crystal Cathedral. I don't know if the front-desk man gave it to him. I even said he could read it. You never know about people.
Mr. Schuller is so puffed-up about himself. He needs to only accept awards from God, not man.
Gina Keith Garden Grove Jan. 19
Have you heard and read about the so-called reverend of the Moronic Majority, the Reverend Jerry Fartwell, talking about those funny Teletubbies that come on your local PBS station? The bigot Falwell wants the advertisers to pull out because the character Tinky Winky is purple and his antenna is a gay symbol and he carries a large hat and purse.
Please. What child knows about sex at age 3? HELLO!!! Stupidity here! It's a goddamn children's program that has nothing to do with sex. OR sexual orientation. A LOT of young boys go into their mothers' closets and try on clothes and shoes or carry bags. It's a part of growing up! ALL INNOCENT!!! And Fartwell wants it to be canonized as a sin! FUCK HIM!
Lenny Cota Westminster Feb. 17
You know, one of these days, some gay radical will bring a lawsuit to a Christian church because their leader, the Lord, is anti-gay. "How dare he make a man-woman sexual relationship biologically natural! He didn't take into consideration that some of us 'men' might find other 'men' attractive and want to reproduce. We want our rights!"
I don't hate gays. I just don't celebrate the queer lifestyle. Being "queer" is an urge that can be suppressed. Just like I suppress the urge to throw up whenever I hear the anti-phrase "gay rights."
Your Lord & Savior Heaven June 7
I come to you on this day to give you a dire warning: you are doomed! You are marked for Eternal Death. The Lord has sent His Word unto you, and you have refused to hear. He has sent the Holy Spirit unto you and His instructions to do His Will, and you have rejected the Holy Spirit, refused to hear him, preferring the false teachings of man to the Glory of God.
In his Benevolent Mercy, God gives you another opportunity to save yourselves, to return to the Light and come out of the Darkness. We are gathering all Our Power, all Our Strength to speak to the living on Christmas Eve to try to make them understand that they are following a creature of Darkness and being led to their doom. I tell you now—I do not ask you, I TELL YOU—to learn what the one I speak through has to give to you, and share it with all who listen to you. If you do, it will save your Immortal Souls. If you do not, you throw them away.
This message was forwarded to the Trinity Broadcasting Network.
Peter, Lord of Heaven channeled through Gerald A. Polley Fargo, North Dakota Sept. 30
HEY! HO! LET'S GO!
This is about the issue with a "Vietnamese" [Ho Chi Minh] on the cover. That guy who placed a portrait of a "DEAD LEADER" up on his wall. Hello! Get over it! I am for one sick and tired of these Asians screwing up traffic and the surrounding areas with this RETARDED show of PURE COMMUNISM!!! Is this show of COMMUNISM (and that is what it is) nessary [sic]? REALLY! I mean HO is DEAD! Shit, MUSOLINI [sic] IS DEAD! STALIN IS DEAD! HITLER IS DEAD! Fuck, get over it! IF they want to fight communism, then JUDGE them selves [sic], for quelling trungs [sic] OWN views! I ain't no ricer! I am white, and I am not PINKO!
Now my city of Westminster is on the map as a DUNG hole for VIETNAMESE. WHERE IS MY FREEDOM AT? Did you see the war veteran going over there last week on ch 9 telling them to get over it or LEAVE, and then the VIETNAMESE GANG of peoples [sic] jumped him and dragged him to the ground and KICKED him in the balls? WAS that ever reported at all? Or was the media one-sided on that? "OH these poor Asians lets [sic] cry for them!" BULLSHIT!
A '60s Guy Who Went Through It Westminster March 10
LOST IN CO
I just read the current CO weekly [sic] with STINER [sic; the reference is to former county Supervisor William Steiner] in the mix, and I am grossly appalled to read about stated pay offs [sic] and crooked backroom deals, and "FUNNY MONEY." WHERE IS THE Eliot Nesses and Zorros that once went forth to stop this corruption? Who here in CO [sic] has the "BALLS" to grab that fucker and de throne [sic] him?
It makes MY voting a waste of MY time, for no matter whom I choose to vote for, THEY get MOLLED by the corrupt business[es] that are here in OC! Why fucking bother to vent at all? It's a major fucking joke to all of them, the DA's office, the groups that are to police the supervisors. And SYEINER [sic] is getting away with the shit, and WHOM else as well???????
Zerox-69 April 28
Being an avid, anti-uptight ultraconservative Republican person and growing up in Orange County has really been the angry young man's perfect place to stay angry. I wonder what the hell I'm still doing here sometimes. This fake-titted gold digger meets cheesy-can't-take-his-eyes-off-himself salesman town certainly is the epitome of shallow, greedy, overly ambitious American Dream-gone-idiot town. Yes, I am intolerant of intolerant people, too, so I'm usually pissed-off about the people in this town. I used to think, "hey, these fuckers will die off, and their kids will surely be cool after seeing how their parents were so twisted." But most of the cool kids either moved away or got uncool.
I must confess that I've had to go underground. I got butt fucked so many times by trying to speak my piece that I gotta go semi-anonymous. Many people that run this town don't want to hear what I have to say and like the old name "behind the Orange Curtain" because it suggests they fuck you for speaking your mind.
Paradoxy Newport Beach Oct. 2
I wonder why the food/grocery stores do not sell cornmeal, grits and boiled peanuts in California. We have some relatives out there, and they do wish for this. We send it to them, but it would be very, very nice/good to buy it there cheaper. We visited our families in Santa Ana, Lake Forest and Lompoc in September. When we got home, the first thing I baked was some GOOD OL' CORN BREAD. Also had some grits (breakfast). Nothing like GOOD HOME COOKING from THE SOUTH.
I am the DESIGNER OF THE FAMOUS "DROPSEAT JUMPSUITS." No undressing in restroom. Looks like regular jumpsuit with belt. Once you wear them, you will wear them seven days a week. We love to dress alike and go out dancing.
Kathleen Fuqua Williams Columbus, Georgia Oct. 3
KANING OUR CRITIC
Yeah, Rich Kane. I say kill the writers. Mow 'em down and pave 'em over. That's what I say. Don't be surprised when a lead pipe smashes the back of your skull, bud. You're a dead piece of hippie crap. The Earth'll be better without you, seor.
FC April 26
WACKED LETTERS HALL OF FAME
Editor's note: Three letter writers, who sent a combined 19 submissions to the Weekly in 1999, are worthy of special recognition:
You may not remember, but Michael Stipe once "seemed to be" lying, walking in front of the video camera, his sleeves rolled up, wearing a (fucking kinda) hat. He "seemed to be" lying because he's white, he's an overt homosexual, he's from a privileged socioeconomic background, he's focused, partially, on commercial recorded-music sale, and, therefore, he works for big recorded-music businesses, and he's implying, at least, that nobody gets hurt calling "pop music" music.
But, nowadays, such concerns are irrelevancy, as people must concern themselves, as individuals, with far more important matters. So how that fucker is lying about much "anymore" is beyond myself.
I suppose I should get used to people "being bad." They're never going to give me pause, eh? Since feeling a desire for a return to monarchism will not be sufficient—the structural-system design, which is actually not the government itself, is not, on the other hand, actually the "dead from suicide (willingness)" pseudo-government. That is.
The government of the planet are the entirety of the Earth's sane adult population at any particular moment. The structural system was designed as a reflection of that population. It's not designed to allow any existing or newly perpetrated subversion. It's designed to be picked up, used and put down again without (added) confusion, by any sane person or circumstantially controllable psychotic. That is.
Therefore, it is actually indestructible reflection of the indestructibility of the society it assists. That society is the government, the entirety of the sane adult population of the planet at any particular moment. The structure allows only clear-headed, sane-adult problem solving. The sane are disgusted when referring to the structure by nothing more than the cartoon representations of political celebrities.
I do this under stress.
Robert Biggs San Diego March 17
I voted for Slick Willie in the past two elections, the best of two evils: Goofy or Donald Duck. Unless Jesse "The Mind" Ventura runs again, I feel lost like a pickle in a blizzard. Besides big-buck zillionaire Steve Forbes, all others have a slight taste of aristocracy, shun dedication and hard work, abhor the middle class.
So, all that is left is the big enchilada, Air Force One, Katzenberg's ski chalet in Aspen, pizza service for Hollywood interns, finger on the red-hot button, harvest ball dance in the Rose Garden with Linda Ronstadt, 15 trips a year to be entertained by the Hollywood hymies and regular pickup of campaign contributions for taxpayer-subsidized programs like 401(k)s, REITs, IRAs, tax deductions for mergers, tax deductions for downsizing (employee layoffs), IPOs for insiders/ cronies/politicians, easy access to shell corporations, a full-blown unregulated NASDAQ, short selling and possible privatization of Social Security.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
OC Diarrhea: I don't know why the waste of 33 cents postage. Maybe we hope that you will get hit by lightning in your parking lot and turn into a silk purse.
Russ Jakob Long Beach May 14
Pounds escalate dog hunt on "Pet Hell" feel like cat hunt on Supreme Court free roam, etc. need field approach or worsening declare hand off sovereign state Eden free interactive life support plant specie resource seal on lamb cat dog bird pest sun to germ or tribunal under God not MOBTXWAR NAT cancer meat cancer dissolved health care threat BIG BUS UNION.
Earthlib Laguna Beach June 8