Belated thanks for the Xmas candy, Luther of Orange

The quiescent pro-war movement—which hadn't been heard from since its glory days during the hippie-head-cracking 1968 Democratic National Convention in Chicago or the fatal-National-Guard-bullet-through-the-neck-of-the-girl-on-her-way-to-speech-therapy-class at Kent State University, 1970—sprang to life at a busy intersection in Costa Mesa. About 75 pro-warriors gathered at the corner of Bristol Street and Anton Boulevard on Feb. 8 to wave American flags, chant "USA! USA!" and tote signs praising the Bush administration's kill-first, don't-ask-questions-later policy toward Iraq. Orange County Young Republicans staged the rally, said president Lee M. Lowrey, because "some anti-war demonstrations have taken on an anti-American tone." The location was symbolic, because besides Brea, Orange, Aliso Viejo, Laguna Beach, Huntington Beach and any college campus in Orange County (even the DeVry Institute), anti-war protesters regularly hang at Bristol and Anton. Any peacenik who saw the crowd and pulled his "No Blood for Oil" sign out of his VW microbus must have been in for a surprise! Several motorists honked in support of the bomb-Baghdad advocates, with most vehicles emitting that familiar SUV baritone. Of course, that could have been the secret feature American carmakers installed to make SUVs automatically honk whenever passing public displays in favor of Middle Eastern oil wars. When the second straight Stepford Republichick uttered the exact same word-for-word spiel—"We're here to show our support for our troops and for President George W. Bush blah-blah-blah . . ."—we figured it was pointless to attempt interviews. But we do think these baby-killer backers need to work on their placards. "Bush Not Blix," "Support Our Troops" and "Hollywood" with a red slash through it just aren't attention-grabbing enough to incite a public numbed by Paxil, Double-Doubles and round-the-clock, post-Michael Jackson-interview coverage. To get everyone gaga over death, destruction and billions in wasted tax dollars to topple one lone thug, we suggest "Smacky the Wacky Iraqi," "Finish What Dubya's Daddy Couldn't" and "Let Baby Milk From the Infant-Formula Factory We've Bombed Because We Mistakenly Thought They Were Making Weapons of Mass Destruction There Flow Down the Streets of Baghdad Like Blood—Right Next to the Blood." You'll need really big poster board for that last one.

As American troops ready for war, the West Coast Fertility Center in Fountain Valley is offering one year of free sperm storage for military men. Jeez Louise, another thing to think about before shipping off: fatigues, clean underwear, M-1 rifle, helmet, razor—oh, yeah, wack off to my wife's Cosmo. Dr. David G. Diaz, the center's medical director, says his sperm-freezing services are particularly necessary for this war due to the uncertain side effects of vaccinations and possible exposure to chemical weapons. All we know is when it comes to aiming splewy into one of those tiny glass tubes, it's a good thing our boys are sharpshooters. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
The opposite of a fertility center is an abortion clinic, obviously, but for fighting men who have yet to meet the right person to inject with their defrosted love juice—or any guy, for that matter—a great place to meet chicks is a family planning office (where fetus disposal is among the family plans). That's what "lifetime bachelor" Steve Pell alleges in his new book Over 200 Proven Ways and Places to Pick Up Girls. The 62-year-old claims that he met many of the more than 2,000 women he's slapped bellies with at abortion clinics. Just walk into the waiting room, find a lady who appears to need a shoulder to cry on, and let Cupid's magic take over. But Pell warns it takes at least two weeks for the womb broomed to be medically ready for sex again. He might have suggested flowers—and a condom, fer chrissake! HAPPIER VALENTINE'S DAY
Australian women—even those who haven't been picked up by some creep at an abortion clinic—are no doubt rejoicing this love season as that country/continent's men are among the first in the world to get access to a new 36-hour erection drug that's billed as a rival to Viagra. We don't know exactly what we'd do with a 36-hour erection, although it would be nice to have a place to hang our shirt while ironing our pants.


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