Beating of the minds

Illustration by Bob AulBefore I met you, I had heard that you were a regular guy who was a bit boring. Now that I know you, I think you're a pervert. My friend suggested that we get together because she felt we'd have a lot in common and become fast friends. She accompanied me to make the evening smoother, and everything was going swell: I laughed, she laughed, and you laughed. Then the laughter stopped: you brazenly asked if you could take her home. Ten minutes later, we left disgusted and a little bit scared.

Did you think that as devout Catholics, we would agree to your sordid request? Did you think I was going to acquiesce immediately to your superior cash and stature? Did you think she was going to change her mind after seeing your brand-new car? She thinks you're a freak, my friends are surprised I didn't shove a jagged beer bottle in your face, and I've lost any respect I might possibly have had for you. You try that shit on us next time, and it won't be just your dignity that'll take a beating.

Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations—changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent—to "Hey, You!" c/oOC Weekly, P.O. Box 10788, Costa Mesa, CA 92627-0247, or e-mail us at

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