Asshat, Dickslap, Thief

Illustration by Bob AulI've worked retail for years, and I know when I've spotted a thief. Case in point: you. My wife and I were in Best Buy one recent night, looking for a PlayStation 2 game when you came by pushing a shopping cart, said excuse me, and grabbed four copies of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. Looking over your shoulder, you proceeded to the back of the store. You had your oldest daughter, the one old enough to walk, keep an eye out for anybody in a blue Best Buy shirt. Then you appeared in the checkout line paying for some off-brand radio to make it seem as if you were on-the-level. When you exited the store, you set the alarms off, but thanks to the highly trained Best Buy security person stationed there, you weren't even questioned. What the fuck makes you think you are so incredibly special you don't have to pay for not one copy, but four copies of this game? Yeah, $50 is a lot to pay for a game, but, shit, who ordered you to own it? Thanks to asshats like you, the honest consumer is going to have to absorb the store's loss by paying higher prices on other items. And to have your daughters with you while you do this? What kind of father are you, you dickslap? So while I paid for my game, you smugly walked out with four copies in your pants or in your baby's jacket or stuffed down your baggy Ecko pants right next to your schlong. I sure hope you enjoy the family effort that went into planning and pulling off this stunt, while I continue to work a shitty job and pay higher prices because of assholes like you. Pissed? You're damn straight I'm pissed. My only consolation is that someday you will be caught.

Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations—changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent—to "Hey, You!" c/oOCWeekly, P.O. Box 10788, Costa Mesa, CA 92627-0247, or e-mail us at


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