Dear Readers: The paperback version of my book is in stores now, with even more gratuitous Guatemalan jokes. Buy, por favor! Now, on to the preguntas . . .
Dear Mexican: Whenever I see the television showCOPS, the white folks pull over and hope no one searches anything, while there are at least three syringes, one crack pipe and enough pills to make CVS mega-pharmacy look like a corner drugstore. The black folks get pulled over for just leaving the scene of a domestic dispute, reportedly having slapped the bitch and kicked her new man in the crotch, regardless of the fact they have been separated, divorced and placed on restraining order at least TWICE in the past two years. But why is it that every time a cop tries to pull over a Mexican for a bad taillight or some other minor infraction, it turns into a high-speed chase that lasts until all the tires are shot out and the wheels fall off, and then the Mexicans bail out and try to outrun the German shepherd? Couldn't they for once just pull over and take a ticket? I mean, the police are not the Border Patrol, and the police dogs are not, like, Chihuahuas.
Gringo in the Suburbs
Dear Gabacho: COPS is hardly as credible a source in documenting the Mexican criminal mente as, say, Dora the Explorer. I rarely see high-speed chases involving Mexicans on the FOX program; stats pertaining to ethnicity and police pursuits are not kept. What bean-counters do know, however, is that foreign-born Mexican men are less prone to visit the slammer than your local Minuteman Project chapter will have you believe. A 2006 study led by UC Irvine professor Rubén G. Rumbaut found only 0.7 percent of Mexican-born males in the United States were incarcerated, a figure less than half of the 1.71 percent of gabachos. But not all is right in Aztlán: Rumbaut's findings also revealed that 5.9 percent of U.S.-born wabs are in the pokey. Why? Billions have been spent researching that question, so the Mexican won't bother with his thoughts except to add it ain't something inherently criminal in the Mexican soul—again, look at the jail rates for Mexican immigrants. Sorry for the downer ending, but if you want jokes to accompany unfunny Mexican pathologies, go yuk at Carlos Mencia.
I'm in love with a Mexican man who's very traditional in his beliefs. He has already given me a blue rose, which I will treasure forever. What can I do to show him that I have the same feelings for him? I've researched the traditions and am finding only things that the man can do for the woman. Does the Mexican woman not have any traditions in displaying her love for the man?
His Spanish Eyes
Dear Gabacha: Of course our mujeres have traditions to show their affection for an hombre: wonderful meals, a kind heart and knowing their way around the ol' chorizo.
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Why do the Mexicans hate the word "wetback" ormojado? I grew up fighting all the time because myjefita from El Paso told me to never let anygabacho call me a wetback. But as I got into high school, I learned that you can really piss off agaba by not affirming his racist comments. Whenever they would call me a wetback, I'd just touch my back and tell thependejos, "Hey, my back isn't wet." Thus, they would walk away so red that they looked like a walking pimple ready to bust.
From a Fan, Ese
Dear Wab: Graciasfor your inspiring tale, Ese. If all Mexicans had the same wit and gumption as you, we'd be able to retake the American Southwest with ease. As it stands, our zygotes will have to keep doing the trabajo.