¡Ask a Mexican! As Extinct as Kudzu

To paraphrase a paraphrase of Mark Twain, reports of my deportation have been greatly exaggerated.

Yes, I know I announced last Thursday that I was ending my ¡Ask a Mexican! column, but few people seemingly bothered to read the line where I stated my self-deportation was "effective the feast day of St. Melito," which happens to fall today. April Fools'!

In this day of Google and instant knowledge, I must admit I was shocked that only two people called me on my bluff: Diego Renteria, an 18-year-old student at Harvard who runs the fine blog Soledad en Masa, and my best friend. Sources much more reputable than them, from bloggers at the Los Angeles Times and the New York Times to Reason editor (and my old Times op-ed boss) Matt Welch, to the magnificent LAObserved and the many newspaper and radio reporters seeking an interview with me to discuss the retirement, initially fell for the prank (any mitigations came after initial posts marking my passing as fact). And, sí, Kevin Roderick: my farewell column counts as an April Fools' joke even though it published on Thursday--remember that I set it to activate on the feast day of St. Melito. April Fools'!

So, to clear up any confusion, and to paraphrase a paraphrase of a Byrds' paraphrase of Bob Dylan: I ain't going nowhere. I do stand by most of the assertions in my "finale": not enough of you are uploading questions to my YouTube channel. Mexicans are Americans--at least this anchor baby, and the hundreds of fellow anchor babies he knows. The column will one day follow in the grand tradition of American ethnic humor like Mr. Dooley and Pat Morita and be looked at as an antiquated relic of a time when America was too xenophobic to bother realizing its idiot immigrants were invigorating the Republic anew. But that time isn't now, so keep sending questions, cabrones!

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To close, a couple of Confidential Tos:

*To the hundreds of people who emailed me and left comments on my MySpace pageexpressing sadness that I was canceling Ask a Mexican!: Gracias for the kind words and support from the bottom of my heart. My column would be nothing without ustedes.

*To the three people who emailed me expressing happiness I was quitting, and the dozens who left nasty comments on various blogs: You hate me, you really hate me! I'm honored you waste so much energy on me. Don't you know that my ego feeds off your love? Honestly, the worst thing you Know Nothings can do is ignore me--but since ustedes love me so, I'm glad that won't ever happen!

*To Tony O: Amateur enough for ya?

*To the California Coalition for Immigration Reform: The only people in my life who have ever called me "Gus" were unassimilated Mexicans. Since when did wabs take over CCIR?

*To Albuquerque Weekly Alibi editor Christie Chisolm: Gracias for the idea!

*To everyone else: The paperback edition of Ask a Mexican! comes out April 22--pre-order today!

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