[¡Ask a Mexican!] Arpayaso Claims the Know Nothing Crown
Dear Mexican: Not sure if this has been asked before, but how do you feel about Arizona’s Sheriff Joe Arpaio? I think the guy’s a fucking racist who is just out to get Mexicans to fulfill his racist agenda. He has been relevant lately due to the protests in Arizona against Section 287g of some immigration act, which basically grants the sheriff’s department the right to check the immigration status of anyone who has been brought in, even for a minor offense such as a traffic violation. The most notable incident, which actually took place in Nashville, involved a pregnant woman who was brought in on a traffic violation and was forced to give birth in the sheriff’s department. Don’t you think someone ought to shut this whole thing down? Don’t you think someone should shut Arpaio down? He’s a fucking racist pig who gets off on the fact that he makes prisoners wear pink underwear, “OOOHOHOooohOOH.” FUCKING asshole.
Fuck Nickel-Bag Joe
Dear Wab: I LOVE Sheriff Joe, head law-enforcement pendejo of Maricopa County, Arizona (otherwise known as the Phoenix area to the rest of America)! Yeah, he might be waging a scorched-earth campaign against Mexicans of all legal statuses, an effort so brutal it recently inspired a thousands-strong march against him, but the man some call Arpayaso (payaso meaning “clown” in the tongue of Cervantes) is a wonderful tool for immigrants-rights activists because he exposes the easy hypocrisies of Know Nothings. Arpayaso is a hero to them, earning book deals, a television show on the FOX Reality Channel and so much veneration you’d figure he was a living, lard-lad Lourdes. But these self-professed law-and-order types conveniently ignore the tens of millions of dollars in police-brutality and wrongful-death settlements won against the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Department under Arpayaso, dismiss criticism from immigration officials for Arpayaso’s abuse of 287g as Aztlanista guff, and wholeheartedly agreed with his decision to jail my mick bosses at the Phoenix New Times a year and a half ago in a chilling effort to quash the First Amendment. Who cares? All of this is fine for the Know Nothings as long as Arpayaso persecutes Mexicans. The same thing happened in the Mexican’s home base of Orange County, California, where our felon of an ex-sheriff, Mike Carona, became a Know Nothing hero after proposing that his agency become the first in the country to receive migra training—never mind that Carona had multiple mistresses, gave badges to political donors and nicknamed his penis “The Little Sheriff.” On that note, it’s with a heavy corazón that I now anoint wherever Arpayaso’s shadow lies as the Mexican-hating capital of America, supplanting my own Orange County, which currently houses Taco Bell and birthed the Minuteman Project, Mendez v. Westminster and anti-immigrant propositions copied nationwide. Chinga tu madre, Arpayaso: We’ll get that title back eventually. . . .
Dear Mexican: Over here on the East Coast (the only coast that counts), I’ve noticed that due to the recent slowdown in the economy, more and more of my Hispanic hermanos in the construction business have begun to lay off jodidos Mexicans and replace them with cheaper, non-union Guatemalans and Bolivians. Are my panas guilty of some sort of Hispanic-on-Latino discrimination, or are they just capitalistas puros by taking advantage of the free, unfettered flow of arriving illegal Maya and Aymara indios to increase their profit margin?
Dear Coño: What do you think? Sure, the housing crash has affected construction workers—the Pew Hispanic Center’s “Latino Labor Report” last year estimated Latinos lost nearly 250,000 jobs in the industry, with about 152,000 of those laid off being wabs—but captains of industry have always tried to undercut the American working man by hiring lower-wage workers. If it wasn’t the Chinese, it was Polacks. Once African-Americans, now Mexicans. Moral of the story? Workers of the world, unite against the Guatemalan menace!
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