DEAR MEXICAN: I want to start by saying I'm a Chicano. Now, I don't understand why you allow Gustavo Arellano's article in your publication. He is a racist. First, he has a negative cartoon of a Mexican—just look at it. Just because his last name is Arellano does not give him the right to display such filth and to speak for all people of Mexican or Latino descent. Second, he calls white people gabachos. In Spanish, this is the white stuff that accumulates at the corner of your mouth. It's the equivalent to calling a black person a "nigger," a Mexican a "beaner" or a Jew a "kike." It's ugly, isn't it? I've brought this up to him, and his response to me is that it's all in jest. How can you call a person a racist name in jest? Please take his racist ass off your magazine and please look into the word gabacho.
DEAR READERS: This guy followed up with me in a private email that whined, "I don't think you have the balls" to publish his letter. Well, guess what, Chicano Charlie? Not only do I have the huevos, but I also have the facts. I've never claimed to speak for all Mexicans—just the smart ones. A gabacho is a gabacho, not saliva—you're thinking of baba, which you should be familiar with, since your words are babadas. If we want to call a gabacho a nasty slur, we call him a Donald Trump supporter. And who says you can't call someone a racist name in jest? Anything is possible in this columna—including not granting a pendejo his dream. So guess what, Chicano Charlie? This columna ain't going nowhere—feliz Navidad, gabacho!
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DEAR MEXICAN: I own a shop in a small shopping complex. I see lone Mexican guys (no wife or girlfriend in sight) buying expensive pieces of jewelry. I'm sure they are going to trade the jewelry for quickie sex, possibly with our women. Isn't this crude, low-class and tantamount to prostitution? At least we white Americans of European descent know how to wine, dine and make a girl feel special before asking for the hot biscuit. Where's the romance? Are Mexicans only interested in getting their rocks off?
An Honestly Outraged Local Entrepreneur
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Dear Gabacho: Bruh, you're just jealous they ain't shopping at whatever piece-of-caca storefront you operate. And you're also mad these hombres are getting action—last I heard, a woman is more apt to go out with a man who surprises her with a ring than some loser who refers to her privates as a "hot biscuit." But, yes: Mexican men are only interested in having sex with white women. Sucks for you!
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GRACIAS, READERS! For another awesome year of random questions, kind words, hilarious haters and ever-present DESMADRE. Reward your faithful Mexican with the regalo of watching the premiere of Bordertown, the animated FOX show I served on as a consulting producer. Starts Jan. 3, 2016, at 9:30 p.m. and will air every Sunday at the same time afterward. Watch it live, DVR it, stream it on Hulu—I don't really care as long as you watch it within a week of its air date. Have a Happy Año Nuevo, everyone, and try an ano nuevo, if that's your thing!
Follow the Mexican's rants on Twitter (click on the hashtag #askamexican) and ask away. And Ask the Mexican at firstname.lastname@example.org, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!